Baby Dancing

Thanks to a less-than-stellar "snip-snip," the hubs had to have a reverse snip. Thus putting us in our current situation: the baby dance. I'm leaving it up to a "if it's meant to be" motto and not considering any ART procedures. I'm also trying to keep my feet on the ground, but that can be hard when Jamie and Eden have already picked out baby names. You all know what my insides have been through, so my hopes aren't too high, but I am hopeful. The head doc of girl parts gave me the green light to try. The doc of boy parts said the first year following the reverse snip is the best so the baby dance has begun. Granted, that whole first year thing is going to have a big, fat Korea kink thrown in it, but such is life. We would like to add to our little blended family and the world needs another ginger. Fingers (and ovaries) crossed lol.

Bedtime Post...

Holy crap, I love my kid!!! Do any of you other parents ever have those moments when it just smacks you in the face? Yes, of course, I love my kid all the time...even in the midst of a full on toddler tantrum...but those moments, full of simple and nothing, that just explode with preciousness. I've been trying to soak those up. Christmas break has been wonderful. Well, minus my lovely attitude and being "that" time for me. I am so excited and eager to start my last semester but knowing that as soon as January 2nd hits, I will be going non-stop until May leaves me sad and wishing I could always be with Jax. I was looking through pictures from our first Christmas together. If you had asked me if I knew I would be at this point I am right now - back then - wouldn't have even dreamed it!

With Jax tucked in bed, Eden doing her pre-teen room seclusion iPod thing, Jamie playing games with Eric, and me. Me, just sitting here and feeling so unworthy of my beautiful life. My amazingly blessed and sweet, sweet life.

That is all. Just had to share.

A Little Christmas Perspective

Okay, so we can all gather that Ali was a little heated today. Now that the smoke has cleared and my brain has stopped bubbling out of my ears, let me try to convey my main point. Perspective. We really should try to keep it at all times, but since Christmas is five days away, I will just ask for some Christmas perspective. A lofty wish, I know, but again...my blog, my words.

While name brands and high priced items may be a priority to some, they are not to me. When I vent, I'm sure I give off a scent of judgmental bitch...it's okay to say it. I welcome constructive criticism lol. However (fancy way of saying "but"), I'm not trying to judge. Not my place. I am able to have my own opinions and thoughts about anything. Just as everyone else is as well. If you have a blog, FB, journal, or a phone tree, feel free to blow it up however you see fit. I actually recommend it as it is wonderful therapy. So, bottom line, stuff is not important to me. Nor do I want it to consume Jaxon when he gets older.

I know, without a doubt, that I was a sheltered, spoiled, and very taken care of child. Much to my dismay as an adult, I learned that my parents went WAY beyond what they should have done to give me, Ash, and Justin all the things we had. Can't really fault them, I will most likely do the same with Jax. But it was within the means they set for themselves. They did not demand others to provide for us. They did not expect things to appear out of thin air at our every whim. And you better believe if we stepped out of line, we were called back in REAL quick. But I digress.

Christmas perspective. My Christmas wishes? That my friend Ashley didn't have to say a prayer to talk to her sweet Mason. That my Grandmommy could hold Grandaddy for just one more day. That my brother (from another mother) Doug didn't have to go through what he did - or say the good byes that he had to say. That my husband wouldn't be going away for a year. That my pathology reports will forever be clear. That Jaxon will never know the pain I pray to shield him from. That my sister feel comforted when the sad moments arise. I wish that my parents knew how amazing they are and what wonderful examples they set for me - even when I don't show it. I wish that young girls weren't hit with so much stupid negativity and pressure to look and act certain ways so Eden could just be Eden...and be happy about it.

I could literally go on and on and on and on. But I hope you get the point. What really matters to you? Why does it matter? Is it really THAT important? When I went to see Doug and Michelle about a month ago, I got a heavy dose of perspective and I will always hold that close to me. Can never really say "thank you" enough to him for opening my eyes to it. Again, not gonna lie and say I'm not guilty of petty crap, complaining over pointless things, or any other menial behavior, but hopefully, if I keep his words in my mind, I can at least reel myself back in quicker than before. Want perspective? Check to see if you have all of your limbs. Look to see if your family is getting to spend the holidays together. Put your hand to your chest - is your heart beating? Well, if you answered in the affirmative on all of the above, you are a hell of a lot better off than you could be.

Get my point now?

Christmas Rant

AAAAGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is it that Christmas must turn into such a materialistic, stuff-filled time of year?! I hold tight to the "spirit" of Christmas, the magic that "should" fill the air. But no, all the money hungry, buy-this, buy-that, this isn't enough people in the world - including some in my own flippin' family - make my blood boil!!!!!!!! Instead of ranting about one kid having more than another, why aren't you just thankful that anyone is getting anything in the first place?! Look around! Our economy is shit, people are out of work (INCLUDING YOU!), some are just hoping to have enough to fill a damn stocking on Christmas morning, and you continue to send out emails TELLING people what to buy, that they need to buy more, that you are feeling left out. GET OFF YOUR DAMN HIGH HORSE!!!!!!!!!!! Quit going out every night and spending all your money on alcohol, quit maxing out your credit cards on shit for yourself if your kids...WHO HAVE EVERYTHING...need/want something for Christmas, and stop being a stuck up, self-righteous, spoiled brat!!!!

I really try to live by the "to each his own" mantra and not get upset about things in which I have no control. But, this topic just seems to piss me off more and more with each passing year. You know what?! Why don't you sit and think about how important Ralph Lauren shit REALLY is compared to the fact that if it weren't for your extended family, your kids wouldn't be getting shit on Christmas in the first place!! I'm tired of egos and attitudes ruining every big thing that comes around. You are NOT the center of the world. None of us are. Be thankful. Be grateful. Be something other than greedy and manipulative.

This is why I hate "stuff." This is why I would ALWAYS choose to have less shit and more meaningful things, memories, moments that will last in my heart forever. You may define yourself by the labels you wear but can't afford, the car you drive but are about to lose, the two faces you cover up...but I don't. I don't care if something comes from Nordstrom or Goodwill...if it's a gift...BE THANKFUL!!

So, I ask this, what's more important? Materialistic THINGS that will either get lost, sold, or bored over in about 2 months time? Or simply being able to gather with friends and family that are still with us, eat a huge meal that many can't even say that they will get? Did you read that last part?? There are people who won't get to EAT on Christmas and you continue to bitch about things on a spoiled child's list of demands. Yes, most children these days are spoiled. Entitled. Demanding things and you know what? They learned to be that way from people like you. Be careful what you do and say in front of your children because they may not remember the "lessons" you think you tried to teach them, but they are EXCELLENT mimics to YOUR behaviors.

Rant over. Too pissed off to write anymore...

Words on a Wednesday

One day left. One more day and I am DONE with fall semester. Wish I could say I would be done with math, but I have one more class next semester. At least it will be with one of my fave professors at ASU, but still...it's math. Sorry Tess, I have yet to embrace a love of numbers - or the stupid letters you math people feel are necessary to throw in there - but I am trying. I am preparing myself for the worst though. I'm pretty sure a "B" is waiting to be posted to my transcript. First B in my graduate career. NOT HAPPY. But, with horror stories of some just praying to pass this man's class, it could be worse. But B's are pretty bad. Eff'er is gonna mess up my 4.0. Won't know until next week, but like I said, I'm preparing.

We got a date. No, not a date night. Not a date planned for a romantical getaway. Jamie got THE date. The one little day on the calendar that means "it" is coming. It being the day he leaves. Bleh. Positives about his departure: most everyone has nothing but great things to say about their time in Korea so hopefully it will be the same for him, I'm hoping to visit and FINALLY see a world outside of the U.S., coming up with random things to send to him. It's not a deployment so I will have to get crafty seeing as though he will have access to anything he wants. No baby wipes or snacks needed in these packages!

Little Dog arrived in the mail yesterday. Another moment I wish I had recorded. Jax (or should I say Mom) had left Little Dog behind on his last trip to Nana and Papaw's house. Papaw sent pictures so Jax could see he was being taken care of and was even getting to sleep in their bed! For those that don't know...Little Dog is a pillow pet that my son maimed. He pulled out all the stuffing in the body and only left the head full. Of course we got him another one - but there is no replacing an original. The second Pillow Pet is simply referred to as "Big Dog." We opened the package and he yelled, "Whittle Dog!!! I miss him!!!!" Scooped him up and hugged him for the rest of the night.

Sent out Christmas cards yesterday. Seeing as though our WHOLE family isn't together very often, I obviously couldn't send one out with Me, Jamie, and Eden with Jax off to the side, or vice versa with Eden. So, when you open your mailbox and see what I came up with, I hereby give you permission to chuckle. You work with what you're given! I also sent a little more than just one card to my MIL. She's gonna get so mad at me lol. I love it!! Can't wait for that phone call.

For those who have been commenting on my FB page, I will publicly leave it at this. I am not pregnant lol. Think that's what you were all digging for, but that's not it. Just got some good news that made me happy and hopeful. I was also in a rather "I loathe you for doing this to our son" mood yesterday. It happens. Not often because I know we have such a happy home, but it does happen. Jax is awesome. Simple as that. Who wouldn't want to see him and play with him and get to know him?! I can't speak for his dad, but his actions show that he is not one that falls in that group. I don't understand it. Trying to is like beating my head against the wall. Words mean nothing. Especially to a 2 year old. Text messages? Pointless. I've never cared about child support, using money against him, or any of the other dramatic strings parents pull against the other...I simply asked for him to be there for Jax. Be there enough for him to know you and be able to pick you out of a picture. Neither have been successful. My (our) fear is that he will pop in and out enough just to confuse and/or hurt Jaxon. Which makes me sick to my stomach. I'm learning that I grew up in a Mayberry bubble so I will never know the pain my son may feel. I'm still hoping that he will never experience it. People can change...or so I've been told.

I must now get back to math. Lovely, beautiful math. Ugh.

Happy Wednesday! Today marks an important event in history. Can anyone answer without Googling it???

Naptime Note

Monster is taking a nap. Mommy is uploading pics of our morning and getting stuff together for my meeting tonight. But, not before a quick recap of our visit with Santa.

So, Jax is still little and doesn't fully understand all that goes into Christmas, but he gets that Santa is kind of a big deal, Christmas trees, snowmen, stars, lights, and all that stuff are everywhere. I had been pumping him up getting ready to see Santa, telling him that he could tell Santa what presents he wanted for Christmas and that Santa would love it if Jax would give a great, big "cheese" smile when we took a picture. We all know my kid is a ham, so the "cheese" part was no big deal. What melted my heart and took my breath away was what he talked to Santa about...to which, at the end of the visit, Santa told me I had a very special little boy. And if Santa says it (albeit obvious, lol), it has to be true.

Jax climbs up in Santa's lap. Tugs at his beard and feels the white fuzzy part of his coat. He tells Santa that it is very nice and soft and feels just like Little Dog. Jax continues to say that he loves Santa's house and the candy canes look delicious. (Note: Jaxon's words, not mine lol). While Mr. Camera Elf is getting ready to take the pics, Santa asks Jax what he would like for Christmas. Santa starts by seeing Lightning McQueen on Jax's shirt, which leads to an in depth discussion of how "awesome" Cars is...but that was to be expected. Then, came the question. "What would you like me to bring you on Christmas, Jaxon?" Here is my beautiful son's response:

"Nana needs a doctor to fix her back. I'm big now and it hurts her to pimma-me (pick me) up. Daddy loves Minigan (Michigan). He play football there. Big football. But not in his hut-hut boots. Hut-hut boots go to Daddy work. I sad when hut-hut boots on Daddy. I super love him. Gandaddy (Grandaddy) in Heaven. Gee-tar (guitar) take to Heaven for him. (That part made me tear up a bit). I go to Papaw pool and I pee pee outside. Papaw no pee-pee outside. Jaxon no pee-pee in Papaw pool. Love my Papaw and he sleeps with Whittle (little) Dog til I get him back. Skoo (school) bus take Sissy away. I miss Sissy. I love Kay-Kay but she hits me. I be good so no time out."

I'm sure I left out a couple of things as I don't think Jax took a breath between all of this. But Santa let him talk and just smiled at him. Santa then asked, "If I could bring you one thing, what would you like under your Christmas tree this year?"

Jaxon replies: "Pancakes."

God, I love that kid.

She Can Go North!

Yep, I've been in Michigan this whole week and, much to my surprise, haven't been barricaded under mounds of electric blankets. Granted, everyone here is saying it's "unseasonably warm" with the daily temps in the 50's, but I don't care...I still made it in Michigan lol. Here's my blurbs...

I miss my child more than I ever thought possible. This is the longest and farthest we have ever been apart from each other. I know he's living it up at Nana and Papaw's and loving seeing Kaylee so much, but I can't wait to scoop up that little ginger and suck on his face.

Michigan left. What the crap is up with making simple left turns?! Nope. You have to go right...to go left. It's crazy. U-turn places everywhere. That was more near Detroit, but still, cracked me up.

I'm in uber tourist mode. Everything warrants a picture.

I knew this before, but now I'm certain that I hit the MIL jackpot. She treats me like her own daughter...maybe better, sorry Stace lol...and being so far away from my own mom, it's nice to know that I now have an awesome 2nd one.

Germans. The MIL has one. And he cracks me up. I think a life time spent with my dad's "humor" has prepped me for meeting the FIL. Dry, slap-stick, straight-faced jokes that leave you wondering if you got lost in translation somewhere has kept me laughing the whole time.

Hunting. I've never been. Until now. Poor hubs is chomping at the bit to kill something, but has yet to do so. I've made two trips up to the tree stand with him...decked out in camo gear that makes everyone laugh at me. I have to be super quiet or get the stink eye from Jamie, but it's been nice just hanging (literally) out in a tree for hours with him.

Grandfathers. Not gonna lie, yesterday was REALLY hard. I don't think we were there for 10 minutes before I had to go to the basement and cry. Watching Jamie and his Grandpa laughing, playing pool, looking at pictures of old fishing trips, feeding ducks, and seeing an old man in dress pants and suspenders just made me ache for Grandaddy even more. My family spent the first Thanksgiving without him yesterday. All I want to do is hold Grandmommy (even though she's the toughest out of us all) and hear her tell stories of all the things they did together. I know he is finally at peace, with no cancer, no pain...but I still miss him so much it hurts.

Football. Tomorrow's the big day!! Hubs and I are going to the Ohio State/Michigan game. I'm pretty stoked...more for him, but I love college ball so it doesn't really matter. He's never been to a game in the Big House and Michigan actually has a chance to beat OSU this year. God help us if they don't.

I'm really glad we were able to come up here. Jamie has been gone for so long and sharing all of this with him and Eden has been so nice. I've missed the sah-daughter like crazy and finally having her around again makes me sad that the trip is almost over. Bittersweet and conflicting feelings, I'd guess you'd say. Can't wait to get back to my baby, but hate that it also means saying "good bye" to another one. At least Christmas is right around the corner.

Guess that will do it for this morning's post. Still waiting to hear a gun shot...nothing yet lol.

Mouthful of Monday...

First of all, don't make my post title dirty. Even though I thought about too, no need for you to add fuel to my fire.

So, as most of you know, I am in Michigan. Yes, I actually made it north of Tennessee and didn't self-combust. I *think* the drive here went through some pretty nice scenery...definitely some elevation changes as made obvious by my and Eden's strange faces when popping our ears...but we drove through the night and didn't see anything. I thought the drive to Texas was bad. Well, now that drive has a friend. I lost my butt somewhere in the Carolina's and tapped out at the Ohio state line. But, I was pretty proud that I drove so far!

It was SOOOOO good to see my 2nd mom again!! We haven't seen her since the wedding. I never like comparing past to present, but even when it comes to MIL's...I hit the jackpot. She loves me (or at least I like to think she does lol) and my ginger baby just as if we were here from the start. And I have never once felt uncomfortable around her. Never. She makes me laugh and feel right at home. It's a nice feeling when I'm so far away from my own family. And! And! I finally got to meet the "Angry German"...well, turns out he's not angry AT ALL, but very much German lol. I like hearing him talk and I'm pretty sure I've just met the calmest man in the world. Seriously, at your most calm and non-stress moment...he still wins lol.

Last night, the Bennett Bunch got bored and found my camera. A handful of pics were posted on FB last night. God I've missed Eden. I love seeing her and Jamie together. Definitely two peas in a pod with them. Today, we are going to Port Huron and Yale to visit the hubs' old stomping grounds. Mama Michigan already said he will probably be disappointed with how it's changed, but I think that's the same for all of us. Especially when we go back to a place we haven't been in decades. Always looks different. I get to meet Jamie's dad...and brother if we can get him to come around Jamie!! Apparently the torture went well beyond what Jamie admitted too. Can't blame Scotty...I'd probably stay away from him too.

Going to go find a post office here soon. Have a very important package to mail to a VERY important ginger in Dacula. My heart hurts for my little bear. I know he's having a blast with everyone and even got to go on a sleepover with Aunt Linds and Wyatt, but my God, I have never missed anyone or anything like I've missed my child. And we are only on day 2 of our trip. Thank goodness for Skype! We got to see that precious face last night.

Happy Monday, peoples! Here's to a short week for most, lots of turkey and football, and the one thing I will NOT participate in...Black Friday. Sorry, mom. NEVER AGAIN!!

Pennies in a Jar...

...also known as my two cents.

Today's topic of discussion (and method of homework procrastination) will be cheating. The relationship kind, not of the gambling or test taking variety. For a valid definition (lol), I will reference good ole' Wikipedia:

"In western and other cultures, couples tend to expect sexual monogamy of each other. If so, then cheating commonly refers to forms of infidelity, particularly adultery. However, there are other divisions of infidelity, which may be emotional. Cheating by thinking of, touching and talking with someone you are attracted to may be equally damaging to one of the parties. Emotional cheating may be correlated to that of emotional abuse, which to date is treated seriously in a court of law as physical cheating. With the expansion of understanding of other cultures, there is a wide spectrum of what cheating means. When in a committed relationship, the definition of cheating is based on both parties' opinions, and both parties may redefine their understanding to match the party at an either lower or higher extreme of this definition. Some couples simply believe that cheating constitutes doing anything, whether verbal or physical, that one would not do in front of their significant other. Such examples would include: expressing attraction to another person, electronic communications,texting, data, kissing, making out, and sexual relations."

Fancy way of saying it, but it somewhat gets the point across. Many ways to cheat on someone - not all must include putting the hot dog directly into the bun. And here's the kicker...you can not stop or prevent someone from cheating on you. If they are going to do it, they are. Many people who are unfaithful do not have unhappy relationships. Weird concept, I know, but they just have an urge or desire to think they can do whatever they want. (Example: that really good golf player.) Maybe a sense of entitlement or thrill seeking behavior? Lots of docs and therapists out there have spent years and millions of your dollars trying to pinpoint an exact cause and remedy for cheating...and here, I am giving the answer to you for free. As always, you are welcome.

One thing I've come to finally understand is that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it. While you may be saying "I would NEVER cheat on him/her," that's all good. However, don't go spouting out "He/She would NEVER cheat on me" because then you start speaking for someone else. And bottom line is...ya just can't do that. Free will. Curse and a blessing. This is where that fancy little word "trust" comes in. Ugh, I know. A lot of us pay lip service to that cute five letter obstacle course, but few really trust. Absolute trust is held without reservation or fear. No doubt. No second thought. You trust them. It's a "yes" or "no" question.

The really fun part is when blame starts being thrown around. Even better if you have been faithful, they have cheated, and yet it is still your fault. Cherry on top? You believe that and apologize for their behavior. You can only apologize for things in which you have control over and actions you made. How in the frick are you supposed to apologize for the actions of someone else? You don't know why they did it, how they did it, what their motivation was. Here is one statement that I just can't accept: Can you really blame someone for cheating if their spouse hasn't been a good "sailing" partner? Um...yes, yes I can. Unless you have alternated arrangements in your marriage, when you said "I do" and did the whole vow thing, you kind of made a promise to never do that. Better or worse ring a bell?? If your marriage is crap and you are thinking about cheating, seriously, you already have one foot out the door. It's not fair, it's not right, and it makes you a complete ass. Do everyone a favor and either work on your marriage and the BOTH of you find out how to make things better or end it. Being an adulterous douche bag does nothing to help your image - and yes, douche bag, in this case, refers to a male or female.

The biggest problem comes when doubt fills the air, trust is broken (for whatever reason), and constant worry or fear of what's to come consumes you. First, you're not a psychic so you can't see the future. But, and this can be a cool little parlor trick - keep projecting your fears on someone and thinking they are gonna do it and they most likely will. So I guess it kind of makes you psychic. Next comes the insecurity. Woohoo, is this a fun look. Quick jump to the point, if you aren't going to love and value yourself for who and what you are...not many else will. So, like yourself. The world is already too full of clones and lemmings.

Denial, drama, fighting, begging, crying, making up, cheating again, insecurity, denial, crying, revenge, blah, blah, blah. If you haven't been through it, take it from someone who has. It's not fun. So just don't be a part of it. You either will be faithful to your marriage or not. You will accept this behavior done to you or you won't. You will trust your spouse or live in a world of doubt. Again, free will. You choose. But at least make your choice and stand by it honestly. I'd have more respect for an ass that was honest than a nice person who lied and sugar coated everything.

But, then again, those are just my pennies...

What Matters Most...

Is it something that can be bought? Is it materialistic? Is it a status symbol? Because, in my opinion, if you answer "yes" to all these questions...then what matters most to you is absolutely nothing at the end of the day. You may be surrounded by things and beautiful pieces of art, or furniture, or cars, or houses, but what fills your heart? What makes your soul happy? What, during your final days, will any of this get you? Whether we like to realize it or not, any day could be our final day. And then what...you are surrounded by all your fancy shit and if there are people there too, most likely they are just waiting on you to kick the bucket so they can start fighting over who gets what. They are not there to shed tears over your passing or sharing stories of memories made.

I do not sugar coat or hide my feelings on materialism, labels, money, or "stuff." Take away my car, the house I live in, the comforts that I am used to - but let me keep my husband and my son - and I will NOT fight you one bit. They are more important to me than anything that comes with a price tag. We've all played the "What would you do for a million dollars" game and I don't doubt that there are WAY more people than those that would admit that they would walk away from everyone they know just to get that money. Why?!?! When did it become better to have more monetary wealth than hold the wealth that fills your heart with love?

I guess I just don't care about your Fendi purse, fancy car, high end wardrobe, high tech gadgets, or the fact that you have 10 pairs of Jimmy Cho shoes in your closet. I never have. For one, I refuse to live beyond my means just to "appear" to compete with the Joneses. I could care less about the Joneses!! Half the time, if they are a family, the spouses hate each other, the wife looks like a plastic robot, the husband is cheating on her left and right, the kids are nowhere to be found - or being raised by a nanny - and future therapy bills are waiting for you in the future.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against wealthy people. I'm not against poor people. I'm not "against" anyone. I'm simply conveying my own feelings on my own page. If "stuff" makes you happy...get it. Have fun and do your thing. It's just not my thing. I'm not going to rob my husband blind so I can go get my hair done for $300 or buy crap that I don't need nor will I ever use...just to simply be able to say I have it. I don't give a rat's ass about what anyone thinks. If Jamie and Jaxon are happy, healthy, and know that I would lay down my life for them - I'm good.

I am nowhere near perfect nor am I attempting to attack anyone. If you make a crap ton of money, by all means, buy what you want, live in a mansion, and do your thing. Rich or poor, my point is that I don't like when "stuff" becomes more important than family, friendships, trust, and staying true to yourself. I love the home that Jamie and I live in, I love my car, I love that I have a coat to put on if it's cold outside, and shoes to go on my feet. But leave me with nothing but a cardboard box to sleep in...and I still have my family...and I will be just fine. Priorities are different for everyone. These are just mine.

Happy Monday...

Statistics, Shma-tistics...

I should be studying. It's math. I don't like math. So I choose to surf you tube with one headphone in and insert my two cents at sporadic moments. Homework is done, so that's good. Five hours early if you can believe it! So now, I feel that random word vomit is coming and I bestow the honor of catching said spew on any and all who read this. You are welcome.

How you approach and act at a 4-way stop is a complete testament to your overall IQ. Sadly, based on a "simple random convenience sample," most people in Columbia County are morons.

For my FB stalkers (or friends, whatever you choose to be called), I mentioned last night of a new trend I've been seeing: guys walking around with only their heads through a shirt, but then forget what to do next in order to complete their look. I hope I am not stealing anyone's idea, but I am now referring to this as a "lazy man's scarf." No need to do all that wrapping or tying...just put your head through a sweat shirt and let it hang! Neck is warm. Can't help you with a cold ass because you forgot the belt.

I love that more Christmas stuff is going up. Yell at me if you must. I freaking LOVE Christmas and would have stores decorated year round if it were up to me. I refuse to not believe in Santa and always feel a little more hopeful. Granted, I am very much looking forward to eating some turkey on Thanksgiving - but I eat it on Christmas too. So, come on Santa. This girl is eagerly waiting to place her fat child on your leg to take some pictures - just don't be a weird Santa. Eww.

Speaking of Thanksgiving. It's November. It's quickly approaching. So here's a few "I'm thankful for's": fruit certs, sirius radio, lol pics on my phone, hulu, mechanical pencils, open parking after 4:30, friends making people, family that completes me, free wifi, index cards, pandora, cruise control, chick-fil-a, blogger, and text messaging.

I should probably contribute to this group besides just showing them my homework. I don't think they understand the madness to my method (yes, I wrote it how I meant to) seeing as though the test isn't til around 7 or so. Plenty of time to cram!

Holla bitches.

Pretty sure I'm getting dumber? More dumb?

I feel as though I am literally losing brain cells. Right now. Pop. See? There went another one. Gone. The girl next time to is getting her Christmas shopping list organized, the guy on my other side is managing his fantasy football league. No one, and I repeat, NO ONE, is paying attention to this man!!

The following words I have heard come out of his mouth over the past hour: witch, Princeton, placenta, diarrhea, and soil. In great detail. Eww. I'll give you a dollar if you can guess what content class I'm in. Yeah, if I didn't have the syllabus I wouldn't know either.

I greatly appreciate the chats that have kept me semi-conscious throughout class and I will NEVER forget to bring my laptop to this class. Thinking I will now surf over to TMZ...that's sure to beef up some brain cells.

Take a breath and fall...

I've said in several previous blogs that fear of the unknown can keep you from trying, from taking that next step. No one wants to get burned again after feeling the pain of a broken heart. How do you know when you want to let someone else in? How can you be sure they won't hurt you just like you've been hurt in the past? The truth is that you don't - you can't be certain. Placing trust in another, especially in matters of the heart, puts you in a very vulnerable position. When you extend trust in someone, you can simply hope that they will be true to their word. Some are, some aren't. That's just a simple fact of life. The only certainty that we have in this life is death. I realize that sounds grim, but really, that's about the only that you can bet will happen. Anything else, all the in between, is based on how you live the life you were given. Want to stay safe? Then stay on the bench, watching life pass you by from the sidelines. Want to take a chance and have the possibility of greatness? Take a deep breath and jump off the high dive.

There is nothing in life quite like the feeling you get from a free fall. No parachute, no safety net, just the desire to experience something wonderful. For most of us, our friends and family serve as a safety of sorts if we slam into the ground, helping us tend to our wounds and gently nudge us back out there. I am fortunate to have this net. But regardless of who will help you back up, it is still you that must take the initiative to live life. To take chances on love. To let people in after you have been closed off to the mere thought of someone truly caring for you. Want big rewards? Then you have to take big risks. You can't end up being one of the "lucky ones" if you are too scared to try again after your first (or second, or third) attempt crashed and burned. Fall down seven times...get up eight.

Failures and disappointment can serve as two of life's greatest teachers. You can listen to the advice of others, even try to learn from their mistakes, but the only ones that will really open your eyes are the ones you make. The pain you feel. Your personal experience. But, in my opinion, the worst thing you can do is close yourself off and be too afraid to try again. So you gave someone chance after chance to be good to you, to treat you like you deserve to be treated, and they destroyed you. Here's my response to that...THEIR LOSS!! If someone doesn't see you as amazing and important and beautiful, why waste your time, your heart, your love on them? There are billions of people in this world, and I promise, more than a handful will think you are pretty freaking awesome. Moving past heartache takes time and the time needed is different for everyone. Some need years, others need just a moment, or a single event, to bring them back. No matter the time it takes for you, once you reach it, you will know. You will know when you are ready to open your heart again, to take chances again.

Life isn't over until you quit breathing, your heart stops beating, and your body ceases to function. While some experiences may feel like this, you are still alive now. You are still breathing now. While your heart may hurt from time to time, it still beats. So, take time to learn from what went wrong, stand back up, dust yourself off, and step back up to the ledge.

Cause I'm Awesome...

...no, you're not, dude don't lie.

Yep, prepare for a post filled with little random gum drops for you to chew on. And it true form, they will be provided in list form. You. Are. Welcome.

- Rode on the back of a bike today. First time in about a year. I miss it and I want my own again. Vroom vroom bitches.

- Got some PHENOMENAL news today that my one of my oldest and bestest friends in the world is baking a fetus. Can't wait for the gestation sensation to come.

- Less than 3 months til my practicum. Can't wait to get back in the classroom. Downside...NOT LIKE THERE'S GONNA BE ANY JOBS OPEN WHEN I GRADUATE!!

- My child is delicious. Obviously someone at his school thought the same thing and bit him. Is it wrong for a grown ass adult to want to go bite another toddler??

- Brake checking is a perfectly acceptable way to "hint" to the car behind you to back off.

- Michigan is undefeated going into tomorrow's game against MSU. The hubs just may wet his pants if the streak continues.

- I hear there's a new Happy Feet coming out. Is it weird that I really want to see it...and just may use my own son as "reason" to go?

- Hearing Jaxon say "Grandma Michigan" (my mother-in-law) is the funniest thing ever.

- My eye has been twitching today. Either I'm pre-epileptic or my crack problem is increasing. May need to check into that.

- Jamie is FINALLY done with that freaking game so now I get my husband back :)

HOLLA!

A mother and her son...

My child is my love, my life, and my world.

I look into his eyes and I see the future of my heart, the wealth of knowledge he will collect, the people he will know and love and create.

When I hold him close, I can breathe in the scent of his tomorrow intermingled in the soft sweetness of his today.

Please, please, let that tomorrow come.

When I lose my patience, when I struggle to find the right way to talk to my ever-growing, ever-learning son, remind me that this is his today and there may be no tomorrow. Remind me to take that extra minute to sit on the floor and crash towers with him. Remind me that the laundry is not nearly as important as the curve of his face in the moonlight.

Please, Please, let there be a tomorrow.

When I am tired from a long day of work and the last thing I want to do is watch the same episode of the same television show again and again, remind me that the day will hopefully come when he will disappear to his room after school. Remind me that my time as his hero is oh-so-limited. Remind me that the words I say and the eyes I secretly roll may be the last words and the last actions I can remember having with him.

Please, Please, let there be many more days to come.

At the end of the day, when he looks up at me with those big blue eyes and asks me to lay down with him for just one more minute, Let me lay down my burden and my wants and cares and snuggle that child. Because I do not know what the next day brings, I do not know what will come… I do not know how I would long for those moments were they ever stripped away.

Please, let him grow and learn and smile. Let him become the man he is to become. Let him have years of life, stretching out beyond the horizon, beyond my imagination, beyond what I could ever even hope for him. Let his life be a tapestry of faces and places that he meets and knows and loves. Let him face his last days with the age and wisdom of a very, very, very old man.

And above all else… let me go first.

Because I can not imagine a world without his face, because that is the “natural” order, because although I do not like the thought of his suffering at the loss of me, I can not bear the thought of the loss of him.

Keep him safe. Keep him here.

Give me, always, one more day to hug my child.

A letter to my babies...

With so many things up in the air...Korea, school, life issues, day to day stresses...it's important that I take time to focus on those who mean the most to me. This post will be the first of a few that are dedicated to specific people in my life that make it a wonderful place to live in - and fill it with love. So, this post goes out to my babies. I realize that I did not carry and birth both of my children, but God has blessed me with an amazing step-daughter to add to mine and Jaxon's world and the love I have for her in no way differs than the love, protection, and hopes I have for my own son. I know this world is full of blended families and step-parents and adjustments that young kids have to make...and pain they should never experience. But, such is life, and no matter what has brought us all together, I am so happy it has because, in this moment, I long for nothing more than the health, happiness, and safety of my children - biological or not.

To Eden...Words cannot begin to describe how amazing I think you are and how big your heart is. The way you care about others and always worry if everyone else is okay is such a load that you carry. While I think it is a wonderful quality, sometimes I just wish you could be a kid and enjoy this time in your life. Whether you believe it or not, you are going to blink and be my age. Looking back, not believing that this moment in your life was 20 years ago. You are standing on the brink of so many emotions, experiences - both great and painful, adventures, and a whole world of possibilities. Savor this time and the years to come. Be yourself. Make mistakes, but always try to learn from them. Break hearts and allow yourself to love another so much that the chance of your own heart breaking is a possibility. It will teach you so much. Be nice to people, especially the ones that don't deserve it. Because in all reality, they need it the most. Stay passionate about your art and writing. You are gifted and talented. Never let anyone take that away from you. While you have had to go through some painful experiences - some that you are still dealing with - please know that none of them were your fault and everyone...your dad, mom, grandma, and your new family...love you so much. Life will never be easy all the time. Things will be hard. You will cry. You will hurt. You will get upset and angry. But in those times, it's most important to remember that the sun will shine again and your rainbow is coming. This past year, my meeting and falling in love with you and your dad, has filled my heart with so much joy and happiness that I can't describe in words. You are everything to your dad and knowing how much he loves you, what he gave up for you, and all the things he does for you, makes me love him that much more. I miss you everyday you are not here, but as long as you are happy, wherever that may be, I am happy too. You know I am not into materialistic things or have any desire to buy your love - or anyone else's for that matter - but all the little things in life that I cherish, you are now a part of those. You are now a part of me. A very large part. And I hope to always be able to show you that and have you know that you have a friend in me and that I am always here for you. I love you Bennett Jr and am ever amazed and proud of the things you do and the young woman you are becoming.

To Jaxon...I thought from the beginning that it was just going to be you and me, kiddo. Us against the world. We weren't dealt the best hand and I made some choices that will sooner or later trickle down to you - but please always know that everything I have done, and everything I do, is because I think it is what is best for you and in your best interest. On May 9, 2009, my selfish little life ceased to exist. God gave me you and you are by far the best thing I have ever done. You made me strong. Only days old, you showed me what true love in its purest form looks and feels like. And right when I wasn't looking, we found our missing pieces - your Sissy and Daddy. One day, I will have to explain things to you and I am already nervous about that conversation, but to watch you now, in our family, seeing you grow, learn, and love, makes me so happy and so convinced that marrying Daddy was the best thing I ever did for us. You have a father who helped make you, but you have a Daddy who is here day in and day out, playing with you, taking care of you, helping raise you, and protect you. I hope you learn so much from him because he is an amazing man. He loves you just as much as I do and we will both always be here to cheer you on, help you up when you fall, and wish for all the goodness you deserve. You are my heart, Little Bear, and I love you with every fiber of my being. Your smile and sweet kisses take away all fear, any pain, and have pulled me from some very dark places. I am honored to be your mother and can't wait to see where life takes us. One thing's for sure...it's gonna be one heck of a ride!!

I don't think I ever really knew love until I had Jaxon, and then later met Eden. A parents' love - with biological or not - is a pretty awesome power. And one that comes with so much responsibility. My life and my dreams for the future are no longer selfish and for myself. They aren't even focused solely on Jamie and I because between us, we have two amazing children that make our world go round. If they are happy, then I am happy. To put my happiness or desires before theirs is a concept I can't even begin to fathom. I love my babies and count my blessings every day I get to have with them.

Jax and Eden, my life would be incomplete without BOTH of you in it. I just pray that my actions and words will always prove that to you.

IT'S HERE!!!!!!

With all the crap that was my Friday, there is a lovely slice of wonderful that begins tomorrow...COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS BACK!! Well, technically, there have been some games played already, but the ones the Bennett Bunch are on pins and needles over are the Michigan and Georgia games. God Bless NCAA Football!!!!!!!!!


Because my heart will always bleed Red and Black...GO DAWGS!!!



I have married a Michigan Man. What can I say? Here's to Brady Hoke turning the program around and hoping for an Ohio State slaughter when we go to the Big House in November! ;o)

Briefings, Korea, and other dirty words...

And so it begins...the hubs starts his briefings for his Korea tour this week. Boo. It's still months away, but it puts a little more reality on the upcoming year. We were joking last night about the little things that I would miss while he was away and coincidentally they also happen to be the things that often drive me crazy lol! The way he just can't seem to close the cabinet doors, how he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom, how he takes his boots off - and leaves them - right inside the door where I inevitably trip over them. The weird noises he makes in his sleep. The volume at which he must play Call of Duty. Then, there are the things that are so sweet (sorry, babe, my blog - I get to say what I want!). The notes he leaves for me when I am least expecting it, the way he picks me up to hug me at the end of the day, the way his shaving cream, deodorant, and cologne combine to create the BEST smell in the world. How our legs always seem to interlock mid-sleep. It's coming. I know it is. I tell myself that it's still MONTHS away, but it seems like just a moment ago we first met. Seriously, I blinked and time flew by. Slow down, please!!!

I know I can't get too caught up in it. It's part of what I signed up for when I vowed to love my soldier, for better or worse, near or far, and in complete faithfulness. It will happen again. Comes with the job. I am always proud of him and his work ethic, his discipline, and his drive to better himself. But he does so in such a selfless way - it's not so HE can do this or that, it's so WE (Jax, Eden, and I) can experience things and make our memories that will last a lifetime. I am excited for him to go to Korea. That sounds bad, but why make a crappy separation even crappier (if that's even a word)? He is going to see some amazing things and get to experience a part of the world that I've only read about in books. I want him to be excited about doing stuff. I don't want him to think that I am a negative Nancy when it comes to all of this. I know, from experience of friends, that the more negative and sulky and depressing the messages from home are, the worse it makes it for them. I will not be that. I keep telling myself, "At least it's not Iraq or Afghanistan." I will get to talk to him and Skype with him to see that adorable face that I love so much. And when he gets back, who knows where our next adventure will lead us. All I do know is that being with him excites me. He challenges me to be a better me - not in a "change into something you aren't" way, but in a way that pushes me to use my personal strengths and become who I was meant to be. I thank him for that - and hope that when I do, he realizes just how sincere I am about it.

Life is hectic and busy and we get to say our "hello's" "good-byes" and "I love you's" in passing. I take what I can get and treasure it. I can't wait to go to Michigan for Thanksgiving (although the cold kind of scares me lol) and to meet the rest of his family and see him back where he came from. It saddens me a little that he has not had this luxury for many years - seeing family at holidays and such. And, maybe it has to do with Grandaddy passing, but its really important to me that he get to spend time with his family. Time is fleeting and can be a bitch. My wish for him is to have no regrets, no "what-if's" and to be happy with our life...wherever it may lead us.

I have so much to thank him for and it's hard when simple words don't seem to be enough. It's in my actions that I must show him what and how much he means to me and Jaxon. To take a one year old in as your own is not something many men willfully do...he did. To be a father to a child who is not biologically yours can't be easy...but he does it with love and Jax adores him. My life is not what I thought it would be. It's taken curves and downright explosions to get me to this point and I know I've said it before, but I would gladly go through all of that again if I knew it would lead me here. I may have my "she's losing her mind and acting all Ginger like" moments, but he knows me, he knows my heart, and even though 2012 holds a very hard "good-bye" for us, the "welcome home" is going to be so amazing.

I won't lie. It's going to be weird going back to just Jax and I while he's gone. For those that don't know, Eden is back in North Carolina this year and since she's getting older, she has more say in where she lives so who knows what happens when he comes back, but me and little man have done it before - when things were a lot less stable - and we can come through this with flying colors and lots of love for the daddy and hubs that we both love so much.

While I still think Korea is stupid, only because it is taking my hubs away for a year, I know in comparison to our life together, this will just be a blip in our story. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I can sneak out there next summer and visit him :)

Until next time...

Why I Adore My Husband...

Because he sends stuff like this to me...

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"

She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Cancer don’t discriminate or care if you’re just 38
With three kids who need you in their lives
He said, "I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

~M. McBride

Gossip Girl

In light of the fact that gossip seems to make the world go 'round, here are some of my favorite quotes regarding the topic...

"What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth" ~Jewish Proverb

"Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you." ~Spanish Proverb

"It is one of my sources of happiness never to desire a knowledge of other's people business." ~Dolley Madison

"It's not what they say about you, it's what they whisper." ~Errol Flynn

"The biggest liar in the world is They Say." ~Douglas Malloch

Gossip does damage. Lies spread as truth, while happening constantly, serve no purpose other than to hurt or tear down another. We have "friends" we confide in and sometimes life throws a curveball to reveal that half the world knows your secrets. 90% of the time, I am so open - especially on here - that when others catch wind, I could care less. But it's the "false advertising" of a true knowledge of the inner workings of my life that puzzle me. Why must some delight in the misery of others? Does it really make a person feel better about themselves if all those around them are torn to shreds?

It's funny how the "Golden Rule" can apply to everything and how blissfully wonderful this world would be if more people actually followed it...Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We learn it as kids, but somewhere on the growing up train, we seem to toss it to the side. So, the next time you get that juicy piece of info about a "frenemy" that you love to obsess over...count to ten, bite your tongue, and ask yourself how would you feel if the same were happening to you. We all talk. God knows I learned it from all the little old ladies in church who had to know everything about everyone (hmmm...hypocracy, maybe?) but when it gets lethal, it's time to cut each other some slack.

That's all for this mornings blurb. Gotta get to work.

My toes are too long...

Okay, as you should probably gather from the complete randomness of this post title, I have a lot to catch up on so here it comes...

I am doing MUCH better these days. While I'm sure my last post scared many and worried everyone, I will not apologize for writing it. It helped me. I was in a very dark place caused by an extremely unhealthy amount of narcotics prescribed by my doctors. I won't apologize because I know I am not the only one in this world that has been in that position - legally or illegally - and knows the grip those stupid pills can take on your mind. I know reading other people's war stories or their healing battle scars help me, so I pay it forward. If you judge me for my honesty, then that's on you. If you want to use it against me, then I hope that you never have a bad day or a scary battle that you need to go through...because maybe you will have to do it alone.

Mom is back at home and recovering. Jax and I went to Atl this past weekend to see her and I ended up spending the night at Eastside Saturday night. Holy balls of no sleep! But, it's high time I return the favor. She's always right there through my medical escapades so I was glad to be able to be there for her. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers!!

Korea. Stupid, stupid Korea. It's coming. I know it is. I can't believe it's almost September. Time is going by too fast. This is our first one. Our first separation. I know it won't be the last but I literally get homesick for him when I go away for a day. Yes, really. I know...gag me, right? What can I say - I am disgustingly in love with my husband.

Schools back in. I've been to one week of class and already feel behind. How is that possible?! I told Jamie that I felt a full on meltdown coming. Could be fun, huh? Work, school, Jax, squeezing minutes from Jamie in between EVERYTHING that he has going, homework, cleaning, (trying to) sleep. Gotta love the lives of multi-tasking overachievers! I know he has even more on his shoulders so I try not to have him be the one I vent to, but sometimes its slips out. For better or worse lol!!

Nasal bead. Jax has officially entered the "shove something so far up your nose that you have to go to the ER to get it out" phase. Item one...a gold plastic party bead. God bless my little Ginger. Here's to life with boys and only being able to wonder what in the hell they will do! He's pulling out the toddler phase too. I had it SOOOOO EASY when he was a baby. No colic, no sleepless nights, no crying except for when he was sick or I didn't feed him fast enough...yeah, I'm paying for that now. The kid can throw a fit! Jamie pisses him off by trying to match it. It's pretty funny.

Well, there's a little random nugget for ya. I will try to squeeze these in more often. Easier than real posts ;o)

Happy (f'ing) Monday!

Out of the ashes...

Okay, so I guess to say "a lot has happened" since my last post would be an understatement. I honestly really don't know where to start. Most know the snip-its that are on my Facebook page, but here's my chance, my page, my words. The last 6 weeks have been anything but dull...

Clyde William Calvit was called home on the morning of July 11, 2011. He was my Grandaddy and I miss him so much. Even as I type this, I can't help but cry. His service was simple, short, and filled with so much love...just like he was. I tried my best to write a respectful eulogy for a man who was the patriarch of a family that adored him. I tried to make people smile. To remember what we shared with him. To remind us all to hold those memories close to our hearts and be thankful that he is no longer fighting a terribly, painful disease. He is free. One day I will see him again. And I can't wait to hear him tell me how to bowl, fish, or attempt to play the banjo better. Grandaddy, your love for Grandmommy and our entire family was so great that it is still felt, and missed, today. You married a very strong woman...but I know you knew that about her. I think you finally let go on your own terms and I have to respect that - but I still miss you. So much. Everyday. There are things that I still have to deal with and accept. I don't know how to grieve for you. I'm not sure I'm letting myself mourn. I think I'm scared to feel it.

***The rest of this post is pretty graphic and comes from a very raw and vulnerable place. I know it is I that writes a public blog, but all I ask is that if you send me messages or comments, be respectful. I'm still a work in progress.

Most of you know all the medical problems that I have been going through and all the doctors and tests and surgeries that I've been through in these past weeks. Well, as normal protocol for patients in pain, doctors prescribe pills. Little did I know that Army docs will write the shit out of some prescriptions. Then there's me who has...in her entire life...taken 1/2 of a vicoden after one surgery and then 1 loratab after having a c-section. All other pains and problems were handled with Tylenol. Even when prescribed more, I never would take it. I have been in such unrelenting pain, and I was sure the doctors were smarter than me and knew how to fix me that I did what they told me. Here's what I was on...on a daily basis: 2 MS Contins (morphine), 8 Oxycontins, 2 Tramadols, and also had a drawer full of Percocets. I have NO recreational drug history and my past prescription use includes help with sleep, periods of anxiety, and birth control. I weighed 120 pounds at the beginning of June right as the worst of this started happening. (Today, I'm trying to push 110.) I listened to the doctors and took what they said, when they said. They never replaced anything with another drug, just simply kept adding to the cocktail. I can only assume to quiet the current pain with no thought of what it may do to me in the long run. Here's where the scary part starts...I will now say that I was within days of literally killing myself. Suicide is no joke to me. I have lost 2 friends that way and I hold them dear in my heart to this day. Wondering if there was anything that could have stopped them. I know I have Jaxon. I know I am married to an amazing man who has given me a beautiful step-daughter. My family is beyond amazing. But, in this haze, I couldn't hold onto those things. I couldn't make them matter. I laid in bed. In the dark. Crying. Wishing I would just close my eyes and never wake up.

My low point came last weekend when I was sitting on my bathroom floor, holding a razor blade in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other. Literally, trying to figure out which one would hurt less, which one would be "easier" for Jamie to find. Saying a prayer for God to watch over my precious babies and to make sure that Jamie and my family were always protected. This was my bottom. This was it. I was terrified, scared, numb, high, sad, angry, confused, exhausted. Then, somehow, from somewhere, a little light caught my eye in the crinkly glass cubes of our bathroom window and then it started raining. Hard. I lost it. I don't think I have ever cried that hard. I screamed and threw both the pills and the blade across the bathroom. I took every bottle of every prescription out of my drawer and stopped taking them that night. I wasn't that girl. I didn't want to be that girl. And I was not going to take any more fucking narcotics to band-aid a horrible, constant pain that no one can fix.

Turns out you just don't put drugs like that down and turn your back. They don't let go that easy. Next came the withdrawals. I didn't leave my bed for three days - minus the few peaks into the living room to fake a smile to Eden, Jamie, and Jax. I drank about 1/2 cup of Gatorade over the course of those 3 days. I ate 1 peanut butter cracker. I texted my sister and asked for help. It didn't take her long to tell me to go to the hospital. I got 3 bags of fluids and a doctor in my face telling me that I had ketones in my urine - my body had shifted into starvation mode and was breaking down muscle to survive. I was dehydrated and starving. I cried when I finally came around enough to talk to the doctor. He asked how things were at home and if I had ever thought of hurting myself. Didn't tell him the events that lead me to him. I know what they do to people that say "yes" when asked that. And I could not ask for a better husband. But I had missed everyone. I withdrew from my family. I didn't want to be held. Touched. I didn't want to smile or talk.

The hospital was on Thursday. It's Monday night and I am finally starting to feel like me again. Ash says the withdrawals from the narcotics, the mental scary stuff at least, may still jump up and bite me for a couple more weeks but my body should be over the physical part of it. I went to my mom's over the weekend and got a lot out there too. Today, Jamie said I sounded a little like the old me. That felt good. I miss me. I miss my life. I loved my life. I love my life. I want my life. But, just for some added security, I think it's still best that I talk to someone. I have a few more issues that I've suppressed for a while and after talking to mom, I think it will help. If there is one thing that I will NEVER be ashamed to admit is that I have gotten help from a counselor before and I will again. I am very grateful for the people in that profession.

So. Here I am. Trying to climb out of the ashes. Back into my life. Back into the real world. The world that will now be taking my husband away for a year in the spring. The world that no longer includes my Grandaddy. The world that gets a little scary sometimes. But, I know I have battled demons before. And I know I have a strong bitch inside me somewhere. Just still trying to hang on like hell til she gets to the surface.

Just breathe...

How I Love Thee...

...let me count the ways

* Jaxon - you are my greatest accomplishment. Of all the things I have done wrong in my life, you were...and are...by far the best thing I have ever done. We've been through quite the journey in your two short years and while I am grateful that time will erase the scars that you've had to endure, I would not take back one second of the pain that I went through, because without that, I would not have you. I wouldn't trade you for all the stars in the sky or for all the money in the world. Being your mom is what I was meant to do with my life. Kissing your boo-boo's, chasing you around the house, screaming contests, and making funny faces just to hear that perfect giggle are things I cherish and do with pride. You've inherited my "fire" and for that I will go ahead and apologize to all that cross your path, but you, my son, are my heart and my reason for living. There are so many things that I want for you in this world, but most of all, I just want you to live and love and enjoy all the things that come your way. You will fall down, but if there is one thing I teach you, it is the strength and growth that comes from getting back up. I love you, Monster, and nothing you could every do or be could ever change that.

* Jamie - you breathed new life into a soul that had all but given up on finding a "happily ever after" that included a man in my life. Just when I wasn't looking...or wanting anything...there you were. It's always a joke to say that "at first sight" I knew, but it's not a joke with us. I saw "us" in your eyes the first time I met you. We've already had our share of drama, upset, and obstacles, but you know what? They've each made us stronger and I don't ever want to live a day not being Mrs. Jamie Bennett. I am so proud of who you are, of what you are, and of what you stand for. You put up with me when I'm sure you wish you didn't have to and you love me when I'm at my worst. You give me the strength the believe in myself and not fear things the way I used to. I love your laugh, your smile, the way you make fun of my so-called accent. I love the smell of your pillow when I wake up after you leave at night. I love that you are such an amazing father to my son. Watching you two means more to me than I can ever describe and it fills my heart with such hope for his future. For our future.

* Eden - After my last experience with step-kids, I was scared to get close to you. Scared I would be used, manipulated, or worse. Truth is...I have fallen in love with you and love you as if you were my own. It feels like you are. Like I've always told you, you have a mom and dad who love you dearly - now you just have one extra semi-parent that loves you just the same. You are such a special girl with the biggest heart in the world. Your compassion and caring for others - even at your own expense - is something so rare in kids today. You make me proud and while I miss you when you are gone, I hope you know that you are always in my mind, in my heart, and in my prayers. It is an honor being your step-mom and I can't wait to be apart of all the things you will get to experience as you grow older.

There will be another post on others that I love soon. I thought the first one should be dedicated to my own little family. I love this life. I love our life. Through the ups and downs and the stress life seems to constantly throw at our feet, I love knowing that at the end of the day, I am truly happy with where I am in my life and actually excited about the things to come. No material possession or amount of money could replace these special people or make me happier than I already am - you can base your sense of success and happiness on what's in your bank account or how big your house is - but I know what true value means. And I can thank my parents for that. Give ya one guess on who the next post will be about... :)

Until then...

Be Great...

Have you ever had a time in your life - some of us have had several - where you feel so low, so beaten, so defeated, so confused, so terrified of the next step being the one to send you off the edge of the cliff? It's hard to know the "right way" to respond, to act. We seek the advice of others, hoping to gain some type of perspective or learn from their similar mistake or circumstance. The truth is we never really learn from someone else. Most of us think that it will be different for us. I will make it work. I won't end up like that. It will be different this time. If I learned from the mistakes of others and listened to all the sound advice I've ever received, I'd be extremely wealthy, never experienced hard times, or know what struggle feels like. Think about it. Growing up, if you had listened to ALL the advice from your parents and didn't think you knew more than they did, they would have saved you a lot of grief. But we aren't made like that. At least no one I've ever met is like that.

There is something to be said for struggling. Battling demons. Battling others. Finding a way to stand back up after you continue to get knocked down. But, within that struggle, it's important to always carry one thing with you that keeps you from going over that edge. For some, it's faith. Faith in God, in themselves, in a child. Others, it could be a tangible item that takes them back to a happier, safer time. Whatever it is, never lay it down.

People will disappoint you. You will disappoint yourself. Life will suck. You will be scared. You will be at the end of your rope. One thing I have learned is that blaming others, being angry, having hatred in your heart, does nothing but pull you deeper and deeper into a very dark place. Revenge rarely yields positivity. Retaliation may feel good for a minute, but those minutes don't last long. At least for us cursed with a good conscience it doesn't. Why waste moments in your life actively trying to hurt someone just because they hurt you? Why waste time blaming and cursing another instead of moving on and starting your next adventure? Just because one chapter is filled with hurtful stories doesn't mean the next one won't hold your miracle.

My point is this - while it may not seem like it in that moment, the most beautiful things can come from the ugliest of places. Embrace your pain. Embrace the struggle. Embrace the fear. Acknowledge the power that it can have over you and seek ways to rise again. Adversity yields greatness if you let it. Today is the day to let yourself be great.

It's Been A While...

Okay, so I totally snagged the title of this post from a song, but whatever. It applies. Now I have it stuck in my head. Lovely. Anywho, time to play catch up for those of you readers who don't FB stalk me. And by stalk, I don't mean that in a bad way...there are plenty of you that get stalked by me. You should feel honored lol.

Soooo, I'm finally back in the land of the gainfully employed! Subbing just wasn't dependable and while I will admit I have lazy days where all I want to do is sleep and watch old John Hughes movies, I need to be doing something productive. Back in insurance no less. Say what you want, but you can't deny it's a recession/depression proof industry ha! Ya gotta have it. Still working on my school stuff and will finally have another piece of paper to frame and hang on the wall next May. Not like it's the best time to find a teaching job anyways, so I'll stick with the people who are getting my license back for me. I really like the office and the people seem to be nice. I can't say too much...it's only been a week, but I think first impressions are important and they are all cool.

The hubs is set to be gutted on Tuesday. He's having back surgery. But get this...they are going through his stomach! I've never heard of that! Neat thing is that we will have matching c-section scars :) I'm thinking the "zipper" tattoo is not too far away. He will be in the hospital for 3-4 days and my mom is coming down to help out with the kids so I can be with him. If I don't brag about her enough, my mom is the shizz. And while I'm there with the hubs, I get to make a stop by the Interventional Radiologist's office. Yeah, google what they do. I had to when I heard I had to see one. I swear. Me and the medical field have a seriously dysfunctional relationship. Well, maybe it's just my lady parts that are all jacked up but either way - I end up in stirrups with some random doc checking out all the "that's strange" stuff. Graphic, I know. It's my blog. I can say what I want.

My baby...well, toddler, but I'm hanging onto the term baby for as long as I can...is having his 2nd birthday party on Sunday!! I'm so excited! The weather is supposed to be great and I'm stoked my grandparents - BOTH of them - will be there. It's a Toy Story theme and I can't wait to see Jaxon's face. He is obsessed with Woody and Buzz. Obsessed. Captial O. It's ridiculous. But what's not ridiculous is how great he's been doing since his surgery!! His speech is getting better and no ear tugging or infections in almost a month! Yay! He talks constantly and is getting super great at throwing fits. I'm just thrilled about that last one (insert sarcasm font here)! Add temper and attitude to the list of things I passed on to my off-spring. Gotta love a ginger!

Eden is almost done with 5th grade and, sadly for us, will be leaving for the summer soon. It's going to be so weird...and too quiet...without her here. Jax isn't going to know what to do. He does whatever she tells him to and is always asking for "sissy." I know she misses the other part of her family but I'm allowed to be selfish in wishing she didn't have to be gone for so long. We've gotten really close and I hate all the crap she's had to go through but I love that we can talk. I'm really going to miss the "Nite, Miss Ali! I love you!" I get every night. Plus, she's trying to teach me how to burp like a Bennett. Jury's still out. Jaxon can burp louder than I can.

Jamie turned 31 yesterday. He turned a very hot 31. I love that I have a crush on my husband. He's yummy and awesome and let's me push on his butt chin when I want him to smile on demand. We had cupcakes last night - the kids did not complain about that - but we celebrated a couple weekends back with a trip to Atlanta. I had to center it around Volbeat coming to town. And I added on a skydiving trip for him too. I think I did pretty good for the first birthday. Need to start planning/plotting for next year so I can out-do myself. He says it's not possible. Challenge accepted :)

There's a ton of other stuff to write about but it's 9:15 on a Friday night and I'm about to go to bed!! Don't hate. I lead a hard core lifestyle. Not many can keep up lol.

Until next time...and I'll try not to make it so long.

10 Bits of Random Thoughts

1. The best non-faith based thing about Easter...Sweettart Bunnies, Chicks, and Ducks. However, I rip the beaks off of the chicks and ducks before I eat them because I am that freaked out by things that can peck your eyes out. Ironically, I have no problem eating a whole bunny.

2. No matter how much make-up, how expensive the clothes, how "put together" someone looks, it doesn't take long for an ugly heart to show through. Guess it's a good thing there's still one night stands. Otherwise...they may never get any!

3. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, get off your lazy ass, grab some water, and start paying attention to your own. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. If it does...it's most likely just as easy to slip through your fingers.

4. Sweet Cups in Augusta needs to deliver. It's probably best they don't, or else I'd be broke and fat but still, it's a nice thought to have those amazing mini cakes of greatness brought right to your door.

5. Facebook is the devil. While I am a self-proclaimed addict - I love sharing pictures of my bear and keeping in touch with old friends and family, but I'd by lying if I didn't bring up the "Cancel Account" page EVERYDAY just to get away from all the b.s. that comes with it. Say it with me people, "It's just Facebook!!" Lol

6. I would give (most) anything I have to get one of the High Five hands from the Jackass 3-D movie to have installed at the door. When anyone comes over that I think needs a good smack in their lying face, all I'd have to do is simply push a button. Fun for all!!

7. Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant make me feel sorry for an entire generation. Just because you screwed your "soulmate" in the back of his car when you're 15 and have no idea how you ended up pregnant or why he won't answer your calls or why you now have a baby to take care of does NOT mean you will end up like the yahoo's on MTV getting paid to have their train wreck televised. You are why I think people should be temporarily sterilized from birth until they are able to sufficiently have and raise a child without them ending up in therapy or on drugs.

8. My friend Doug is deploying again. His pretty lady wife is staying in Oki. I'm not asking...I'm simply telling you to keep them in your thoughts. Awesome people. Personally, I'd have prefered he stayed heavy equipment, but nope, he went EOD. So stay safe Boom Dougie and Michelle, will be praying for the hubs safety so he can come back soon and return to driving you crazy ;o)

9. My husband is going kayaking this weekend and pretty sure he's going to remake a smaller version of Castaway. He's already got a "Wilson" lined up. I actually feel sorry for Meagan. But, she's dealt with him a lot longer than I have so I assume she knows what to expect. I'd still be a little uncomfortable with this but I've decided that some people just need to lie and screw with anyone who doesn't kiss their ass. So have fun you guys. If you hear banjos...paddle the other way.

10. Little Bear did great with his surgery. I'm so glad Jamie was able to be there. I HATE HATE HATE seeing my baby cry...even more when it's in a medical setting. I was nervous about how he would come out of anesthesia. I felt a little stronger with Jamie standing next to me. Jax did great and minus a scary fever spike, he's back to himself. Between my mom and my husband, definitely couldn't have gotten through that with my sanity in tact.

Happy Hump Day

Deja Vu

Liar. Bulimic. Bad mother. Ugly. Too skinny. You want me to be your puppet. Play your games. Fall into your web. And silly me, can't forget, trust anyone who is also friends with you. Why are you so concerned with me? What have I ever done to you? What makes you feel better about yourself by attacking me?

Think you will uncover some hidden skeletons? Since you BARELY know me, let me be the first to tell that I am pretty open about the happenings in my life. Want to know something about me...ask me. Have something to say to me...tell me. In all of your "facts" that you have on me, let me correct just a few...

-I'm bulimic. Sorry, honey. I'm totally terrified of throwing up. In case you missed that day of nursing school, bulimics purge. That means vomit in case you don't understand. You would have done better calling me an anorexic if you're going to give me an eating disorder. And both are VERY serious diseases that shouldn't be thrown around so carelessly. Many people suffer...and die...from them. Hope you don't help treat any.

- I'm a bad mom. You REALLY don't want me to elaborate on just how little foundation you have to stand on in this regard. I left everything behind for my son and his well-being and safety...but TOOK MY SON WITH ME. My dreams for my child include him finding satisfaction, contentment, and happiness in the REAL gifts in life. And FYI...they typically don't come with a price tag. You may buy affection and expect others to buy yours but I simply don't operate under the same belief.

- Liar. First of all, I can say with absolute certainty that everything out of my mouth to you has been the God's honest truth. Can't say the same for you towards me. Again, if you knew anything about me, you would know that I suck at lying. I'm not as well versed and skilled as you are in creating alternate realities. It's easier for me to tell the truth - even if it's an ugly one. I'd rather tell...and receive...a hard to swallow truth than a sugar coated lie. But, that's just me.

- Ugly. Too skinny. I'm not even going to justify this with a response. I've gone through hell and back and had I known you thought this about me - and for the reasons that you do - I would have gladly sent you all the clumps of hair that fell out of my head for months. I would have kept you updated on how hard it was to finish one simple meal. I would have let you hold my hand as I cried when I looked in the mirror because all I saw was an ugly, skinny, sick girl looking back. Thanks for your concern. I'm doing much better and getting stronger everyday.

I don't appreciate being the topic of other people's discussions. Especially when it's vicious gossip and lies. While it should flatter me, I'm not that girl. I don't enjoy hurting others. I don't enjoy talking behind people's backs. I actually feel bad after I say something nasty about you when I'm venting to a friend. Why should I when it's sport to you?! Do you really want to know what I do and say about you?? I pray for you. I ask God to comfort you. I ask Him to help you to not hurt others. I pray for your safety because it means a lot to someone who means the world to me. That's what I do.

I've been here before. I've gone through this before. Not because I caused anything, just simply the target of misplaced aggression. Do you know what I learned from that? I learned that it does no good to fight back. I learned that it gives me no satisfaction to hurt others. Honestly, sometimes I wish it did. You want me to stroke your ego? Sometimes, I do wish I could be more like you. Then maybe the games and words and horrible things you and "our" friends do wouldn't hurt so badly.

So, go ahead and label me. Say I'm ugly. Say anything. Your labels do not define me and I have nothing to prove to you. The only thing I will say is to be careful. You may not want to open Pandora's Box. I've heard it can be a bitch to close when you have that many secrets locked inside.

Vent over...

Taking the high road...

Treat others how you want them to treat you. Turn the other cheek. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Don't sink to their level. Take the high road. Sure, they all sound good, but what do you do when you are so frustrated by something or someone that you find yourself overcome with anxiety? Biting your tongue so as to not unleash verbal hell onto someone?

My patience is tested constantly. Stupid people piss me off. Ignorance is everywhere. The wicked and cruel seem to prosper more than the good. What I find most ironic is the soapbox upon which people stand to profess their hatred and superiority over others when they themselves need to look in the mirror. I'm just as guilty as the next of pointing fingers. We all are. I do try to look at my own flaws and work on them. I am, at least, smart enough not to throw daggers at those who are doing the same damn thing I am while trying to convince the world of my perfection. Do you really think you are fooling anyone?

The two sides of the human character can be drastically different. Project one image, walk another. Does that not fit the definition of a hypocrite? How can someone attack the parenting styles of anyone else when they sold their own child to get what they wanted? Who trades their child for anything?! Keep your house. Keep your money. Keep the cars. Keep my clothes, shoes, or any other material possession, but my heart has lived outside of my body since May 9, 2009. Silly me to assume all parents, especially mothers, felt the same way of their own children. I continue to see that just because you can make a child does not make you fit to raise one.

What is a friend? Reliable? Trustworthy? Honest? Accepting? If you find these qualities in people...hold them close. These traits are quite rare. When given the opportunity, would someone throw you under the bus to gain anything or use your life to feed gossip? If you have to think about that, they probably aren't a true friend. When the rest of the world walks out, look who is still standing next to you. Those are your true friends. When you have nothing to give, look who is still there, requesting nothing more than your hand or extending theirs to support you. Those are friends. Love - in all forms - should be unconditional. Many have forgotten what this word means. Look it up.

I know that doing the right thing does not always coincide with the path of least resistance or the easiest way to go. If it did, no one would ever do wrong, would they? I try to let go of the past. Please see the word "try" in that statement. It is not easy to do. Forgiveness is not for the weak. It takes a strong soul to forgive, lay down the burden, and walk away. I've come to learn that forgiving someone is not in their best interest, but in my own. When you allow someone to take up space in your heart, in your mind, and to consume your thoughts, you give them power. Power they don't deserve. In simple terms: you feed the beast. At least that's the way I feel about it.

I'm tested everyday. Some days it feels like every moment. I have days when I want to sink to "their" level and play just as dirty. Then I remember just how much I hate games and dislike those who play them. Life isn't fair. People don't play nice. And there are really ugly (character speaking) people in this world. They may get everything they want. They may revel in your misery. You may constantly wonder how it is that things work out that way. I don't like the word karma. I don't like how loosely people throw it around. I simply believe that you must eventually pay for the consequences of your actions. The time table of that happening is out of my control - no matter how much I wish I had a say in it. Such is life.

I'm not sure that I have a point to make. I realize this is nothing more than a rambling of semi-organized thoughts. Either way, I'll stick to the high road no matter how tough it is because at least I can look in the mirror and be okay with what is looking back at me.

Untitled...

I'm aware it's been some time since my last post. Life is that busy and I'm still waiting on my wish of a few extra hours in the day to come true. The calendar's sick sense of humor threw daylight savings in and took an hour away. It's only day two and it's been fun. I will try to catch up on all the missed happenings in the Bennett world soon enough, but today, I just needed to throw some stuff out there. I should be reading. Jax is sleeping and I have a quiz tonight, so I am hoping this will at least get it off my chest so I can focus on the excitement of Organization Theory.

Do we ever let go of our past? Do we ever really heal from old wounds? Can we truly move on and forget the things that tied us down? Of course there are reasons why the we remain locked to pieces or people of our yesterdays - mainly children. But what about sharing a child makes most prone to a lifetime of fighting? Fighting over things not even related to their child? What about sharing child gives some the mentality of having a lifelong reason to pick, poke, prod, and cause turmoil in your life? Do some enjoy this drama? Are there people who need that kind of dysfunctional interaction? I really do try not to cast judgment on anyone. Lord knows I am full of sin, mistakes, and frequently trip off the right path, however I do feel. I feel pity, anger, empathy, hope, and so many other emotions towards the people and situations such as these.

We're all messed up to some extent. Some are just able to function better than others in their messed up state but that's beside the point. My question is this: How can tearing someone else down make you feel better about yourself? How can judging someone's every move - without truly knowing what it's like to walk in their shoes - help boost your self-esteem? I hate to admit that I've wished this ability on myself many times. I've wished for the type of personality and heart that it takes to rip someone else apart and immediately feel better about being me. Now, for those that know me, I am not saying I don't have my temper, my bad moods, my redheaded nature...and I know I've been a beast in my own right. What I can't understand are those that thrive on initiating hurt and also those that thrive on the drama wave that typically ensues. Why can't you just stop?!

Feeling second rate to old drama that won't go away is not a great feeling. Being put on the back burner, forgotten about, or - the worst - feeling like you may be paying the price for someone else's mistakes sucks. The scary part is the insecurity that stems from situations like this. Why would someone continue to "play" inside the drama if there are already clear cut, black and white guidelines in place? Some suggest there are still feelings involved. The opposite of love is not hate. Hate still evokes emotion. Hate implies a passionate stance. Indifference means there is no feeling. Hating someone will take time away from loving people around you. Fighting with someone from your yesterday will take time away from present. Giving your past that kind of attention can only spawn more trouble. That doesn't seem that hard for me to understand, so my (possibly incorrect) assumption is that it should be easy for others to see as well. If that's the case, are there people who need that in their life? Can it ever really be gone? Will it ever truly go away? Will you ever be #1 to someone who carries baggage like that?

Dancing in the minefields

So, yeah, I stole the title of this post from one of my new favorite songs. I'll give the dude credit. Andrew Peterson, I like your stuff. His song is about marriage and faith, but I think the premise of the title is enough to store in the "words to live by" file for all of us. I'd say it goes hand in hand with the likes of "Keep your promises" and "If you want a rainbow, you have to live through the rain" Of course what constitutes rain or mines for you may differ from what freaks me the heck out, but either way, bottom line... life can get stressful.

I'm trying to get better at my managing my stress. The status quo - bottle it all up til I explode - yeah, doesn't really work well. So like I said, I'm working on it. Our fam stays pretty busy. All the time. School just started back, I'm making some pretty big life changes as far as school/career are concerned, BNCOC starting soon for the hubs, finalizing plans for next weekend, and my life long goal...remaining as far away from unnecessary drama as possible. I just don't know how people do it. Isn't life filled with enough drama without creating some more?! I've always thought so! But, to each his own. And this "own" chooses a path filled with as little high-school as possible.

I love my husband. Random, I know, but it hits me like that a few times a day lol. He's not one to get all emotional and mushy, but this is my blog and I do so I can write what I want. I love that he's honest. Hard working. Funny. Protective. Playful. And about a bajillion other things that make me smile. Disagreements never last long. I miss him minutes after he's left. I have a great big crush on him. And the coolest part...I get to keep him. He makes my life better just by being a part of it. He makes me want to be a better person - a stronger person. But if I had to pick one thing, just one, that always stays with me, hands down it is the way he looks when we all play Dance Central lol :)

My minefields are many...and then so few. I get stressed out by school, responsibilities, life, but who doesn't?! I have a warm bed to sleep in, a family that I love, (finally) a clean bill of health, a partner who takes my breath away with a simple glance, and a faith in which I continue to find more and more strength and comfort. I need to remind myself to focus more on the dancing and less on the minefields. Because the things and people that make me dance - well, let's just say I think they are absolutely fantastic.

Posts to catch up on our holiday travels are coming soon...hopefully :)

Until next time...