Finally on the descent...

The load is lifting. I'm finally in the home stretch. Just one more month and I will be done. Done with practicum, done with classes, and getting ready to get this piece of paper I have been chasing for entirely too long. What comes afterward, I have no idea lol. Spend A LOT of time just playing with Jax and enjoying this stage in his life, that's for certain. Can not believe our little guy is going to be 3!! He's quite excited about it. Try telling him your birthday comes first (as in the case with Jamie), and he will quickly correct you and say that his is next. Cute actually.

I have fallen in love with my babies at school and will miss them terribly. They are adorable and are always so sweet. The Monday after Jamie left, I came back to a desk full of cards they had made for me. Hugs every morning. Great big smiles all day long. Reminds my why I never had a choice in my calling. My heart plays amidst the young. Watching kids learn and figure things out and turn into little people is fascinating and teaches me so much. What's so bizarre is that it feels like I was in their shoes just a moment ago. I can remember my teachers, my friends, how I felt moving schools, meeting new people, trying so hard. Weird being on the other side. Makes me miss my time at Simonton too.

My first wave of shipments finally made it to Korea. Jamie kept complaining of his bed and mattress and burlap-style sheets. What kind of wife would I be if I wasn't concerned with my hub's comfort and finding a way to fix a bad situation?! Poor guy had one cup, one bowl, and was making spaghetti out of one electric skillet. I sent sheets, a comforter, mattress topper, plates, bowls, glasses, utensils, pots, pans, random kitchen stuff, towels, and other junk. Made me feel good. Made me feel any better when I got home to his "Good Morning" call and saw him smile and look so rested because he had a comfy night's sleep.

Lil Man is at the grandparents' this weekend so this Mama is heading to bed way early and not setting an alarm. Richmond County is having their job fair tomorrow, so hopefully - fingers crossed - there won't be a huge "Nevermind, we don't have any jobs afterall" sign posted in front of the school. Education system is really in a bind and it's actually pretty sad when you think about it. I, for one, always saw teaching as a recession-proof career. I mean who, in their right mind, would cut funding and jobs for teaching the children in this country. Well...apparently this country does. Just keep swimming, right?? No other choice.

Hope everyone had a great week and has an even better weekend. It's almost Spring Break!!!

Nighty-night :)

It's No Secret...

I'm sure there are people that read this or see my FB page and have to chew back a little vomit when I go on and on about how much I adore my husband. I used to do it when I would hear about other people too. It's okay. But, if you love someone, are lucky enough to be sharing your life with them, why not shout it from the rooftops? Why not caste away all insecurity about what someone else thinks and be thankful for the few true blessings we really obtain in our life time? I'm not ashamed to say that I love him. I'm not sorry that I broadcast it. I'm simply a very lucky girl who has been through some trying times - caused by both internal and external catalysts - and came out the other side. Humbled. Grateful. Happy.

Is my life perfect? HEEELLLL NO. Do I embrace the imperfections and see them as blocks in which to build? Absolutely. My past is no secret. Many who do not know me well believe that I hide many things. Much the opposite actually. I'm probably TOO public with my life. Putting raw feelings on the internet. I guess it's a little cathartic mixed with a splash of voyeurism. Now, I'm not stupid. I have no intentions of posting my address, my social security number, or set up a web cam in my house to capture every move I make, but these posts are memory mile markers for me. New aged diary.

I can look back on two moments in my life as being absolutely definitive: hearing Jaxon's heartbeat and looking at Jamie for the first time. Both were moments that washed away every minute and trivial piece of junk clouding my head. That teeny heartbeat...so strong and fast...grew into black and white images on a screen that turned into a person. A person that I brought into this world. Was the stage upon which he made his entrance perfect? No. Did I want it to be? Yes. I can say, without a doubt, that I tried everything I could...overlooked everything I could...forgot everything I could...so that I could hold onto something, anything, to give him stability. Ironically, the stability, and safety, we both needed when his little fingers holding mine gave me the strength to let go. To start again. Finding those eyes. Jamie's eyes. The second moment that changed my world forever. The moment that not only swept me into a world of an unconditional love I've never known outside of my family, but also carried my little boy so carefully and protectively with it. The way in which those two moments have intertwined themselves makes me absolutely certain that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, with who I'm supposed to be with, and doing what I am supposed to be doing.

If you found that kind of certainty, wouldn't you be proud of it? I am.

Had a bad day...

I hear they will come. Quite often, in fact. Today was one of them. Today, I woke up to the faint smell of his cologne still lingering his pillow. I reached out for him...but my arms don't stretch the distance to Korea. My arms can't reach the other piece of my heart. The piece of my heart that has left me physically aching for him. All I wanted to do was crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head, and just bury myself in my own pity party. Can you tell this is our first separation?

But, I can't. And I know this.

I have Jaxon. I have school. I have my practicum. I have a house to keep up. I have every other thing in my life that was going on before he left that is supposed to keep on going even after he's left. I'm trying to get over the hurdle of realizing time can't stop just because my husband's job took him away. Time can't stop because I need to cry and smell his shirts. How is it that a million other women do this all the time and I am acting like a little baby? How is it that women have LOST their husbands and I am crying because mine is 13 hours away from me? It's because I have yet to find perspective in this situation and am still trying to get used to not having him to hug, kiss, and hold everyday.

I'm not afraid nor ashamed to admit that I miss him terribly. I am not going to apologize for whining like a child on my blog. Don't like it? Don't read it. I write through everything and this is nothing different. I know this will get easier to handle, but I will never be comfortable not having him with me. I don't want to be comfortable being separated. I think that if I am...well, history has shown what happens in that situation for him. And there is NO WAY that anything about us is going to hint at anything that reminds him of the past. I love him. I miss him. I think of him constantly.

Today was bad. Tonight is getting better. I am lucky to have friends going through the same thing. It's a nice comfort zone to move into when nothing else is comfortable. I know good days and not so good days are ahead of me. I will face them all, knowing that I love my husband more than anything in this world and that he is somewhere out there loving me back. That, and that alone, is enough for me to wait for him, to stand by him, and to honor the promises we made.

It's JUST Korea...

Yep, was as okay as I was ever going to be when the orders came down for a tour in Korea. Everyone told me that it was like being at any other base and blah, blah, blah. Well, if it was just a simple tour at a normal base...he wouldn't be receiving combat pay. Combat Pay?! That implies he is in a combat zone. Umm, let's just say the "worry hairs" just stood up a little more.

Before anyone even says anything, yes, I know he is in the Army and they get deployed and are put in harm's way. Well, this wasn't a deployment. This wasn't supposed to be a "Hey, why don't you stay a stone's throw away from one of the most dangerous borders in the world?" tour. It was supposed to be a year of him doing his secret squirrel communications stuff, far away, and having to simply deal with the separation. He's not living in the fancy pants, senior NCO housing in Seoul or doing anything that I had prepared myself for...no, he's in a place that reminds him of a deployment. Awesome.

So, "just Korea" has turned into him practically living in North Korea and me praying that Crazy-Jung Jr doesn't get a wild hair up his butt and decide to throw a firecracker down south.

Rough Morning

I think "it" hit today. It being the slap-you-in-the-face realization that he really is gone. Yes, I saw him get on a plane. Yes, I know that our house is missing half the stuff that should be there. And yes, I've talked to him on Skype and saw the backdrop of Seoul behind him. But, the "he's gone for a year" fact finally became fact, not just something I've been semi-preparing for these last few months.

I know that I am no different than any other spouse that has to say "see ya in a year" to a loved one. I am different than those who immediately go out bar hopping to find a suitable replacement. If there has been a moment where I was made certain that I actually LIKED having my husband around and wanted to be with him, it was this morning. That sounds kinda bad once you read it again. Don't get me wrong. I think I'm married to the sexiest, sweetest, and most protective man in the world. But, I took that for granted. I took his presence for granted.

I try to keep perspective. He's not in Afghanistan. He's not in Iran. He's not pirate hunting the unknown like another friend of mine. I get to talk to him. Once he's at his post, he will have access to things and modern conveniences. But I want physical access to him lol! This is our first separation. Seasoned spouses and vets know how to handle this and not get so damn emotional. I'm not seasoned yet. For one, I've never loved like I love him. For him, he never had someone miss him...at least not a wife. Well, this one does. A lot.

The hardest part so far is the sudden onset of emotion. Not expecting it, in the middle of class, trying to keep my "Happy 2nd Grade teacher" face on, and BAM, I'm using every bit of strength in my body to not fall to the ground and weep. Call me crazy, call me clingy, call me whatever you want. I am so in love with this man and we have never been apart for more than 3 days max and definitely didn't have oceans and time zones separating us. I'll get stronger. I'll get "used" to it. But that takes time. I don't even have a week under my belt.

I will not forget the promises we made. I will not seek comfort in the arms of another...well, my mom and dad and wives have been helping...but you get my drift. I'll get better. However, this morning, I'm just not there yet.

No...You ARE Wrong

When did it become taboo to tell a child that they were wrong...when they were wrong?? Why is there all of this "don't dent their self-esteem" or "you could embarrass them" junk going around?! If I am wrong, tell me. I learn. If you sugar coat all of my mistakes, I don't think I'm really doing anything that needs correcting so I will continue doing it.

If the above is true, why should we expect anything less out of kids. These days, most are NEVER told they are wrong, always walk with a sense of entitlement, and don't know the meaning of punishment. Modify behavior. Redirect. No consequences, just praise. Are you kidding me?! How did whole generations before us (and including most of us) turn out just fine while being raised on butt beatings, consequences up the wall, and a stern "NO" when we needed it? We wonder why there are "Don't try Meth" signs running down the freeway. We wonder why some kids' behavior is simply horrendous.

There are parents like this so you can only fault the child for so long, but if there is one thing that I try to push is to not fear a wrong answer. It's how you learn! I lose count of how many times I say "Do you know how many times Mrs Bennett is wrong?!" to my kids. The shocked look on their faces never fade. Are they that surprised to see an adult admit a shortcoming?? Wow, people, we need to work on this. Kids MUST not fear mistakes or wrong answers. Half the time they are too scared of a wrong answer that they don't even try for a right one. They are too scared to participate in a discussion because they don't want to say the "wrong" thing. I miss the days of Einstein quotes all over the place. At least that dude knew how to take failure in stride.

Call me a monster...a horrible teacher...whatever...but if your kid ends up in my room and answers with a wrong answer, I will tell them it's wrong. Of course, I'm not Satan nor will I pounce down on them like a lineman, but I also won't sweet-as-pie say "Wellllll, what if we looked at it like this..." because I'm sorry. You're wrong.

I can't even imagine the number of times I've been told I was doing something wrong. If a "bajillion" is a real number somewhere, I'm sure it's near that. But you know what? I learned a lot along the way.

Now That You're Gone...

...here are all the things I can do without hesitation. Hey, you told me to be positive about this, so I'm trying!

1. Hit snooze as many times as I want. This just may be the biggest perk of the separation.
2. Eat cereal for dinner. Although I will try to make sure Jaxon continues to eat like you.
3. Spray your cologne on everything without you worrying you will run out.
4. Watch all my "stupid" shows on Hulu.
5. Fold a fitted sheet like I do :)
6. Choose a UGA game over a Michigan game if I feel inclined.
7. Sleep on your side of the bed.
8. Put the towels wherever I want them.
9. Not run into an open cabinet door in the kitchen.
10. Know that I would gladly trade ALL of the above to have you back home with me.

I miss you, love. Wherever you are, know that I love you more and just may be slightly obsessed with you :)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

My Promise

My promise to you is to remain true and faithful. My promise to you is to be strong and love you with all of my heart, no matter what this year brings. I know that the last two times you had to do this...it didn't end well. I promise that I am not her. I promise to not go searching for guys on the internet. I promise to not move another man into OUR home while you are a world away. The vows that we took were...and are...for life. You are my husband. My amazing, wonderful, rational, crazy, handsome, intelligent husband. I know that your past put you through pain, and I hate that you had to experience it, but I can do nothing more than to thank the person that never saw what she had, never appreciate the sacrifices you made and the hard work you put in to supporting your family. My family is incomplete without you. While half the globe may separate us physically, we are no further apart than we were when you were still here. You have my heart and I still feel you in mine.

I promise to honor our marriage. To put it before all other things and thank God for the wonderful man He blessed me with in you. I know it's hard for you to accept and truly understand how that can be true. It was hard for me at the beginning too. But what do we always say..."We are not them." And we aren't. You KNOW that I could never fathom doing the things that she did. I could never dream of having anyone else but you in YOUR spot. Your spot at home, in my heart, and in my life. There is no other you.

I know this is going to be hard. I've been trying to prepare for it, but until you jump in the frigid, cold water, you don't really know what it feels like. I'm glad that you don't have the same worries. I am glad that it was sad for you to leave. (Not in the sadistic way, but you get it.) It's taken a while to fix the cluster-funk she made in your heart, but we've done it. Trust. Faith. Knowing, without a doubt, that we are together. That reassurance, that belief, that relief in knowing there is no one else for you and no one else for me.

I will miss you so much. (Shocking concept to some military spouses who immediately try to fill an empty spot in the bed.) I will be "that wife" who uses your cologne as air freshener just to smell you. That wife who beams with pride when anyone speaks your name because I was lucky enough to be picked to be Mrs. Bennett. I will be that wife who remains strong, faithful, and true to the promises I've made to you.

This year will suck, but it is also filled with so many wonderful opportunities for both of us. You get to see some pretty cool things and, hopefully, I can come see you this summer. The means of communication couldn't be any better and as much as you hate it...I'm glad that you aren't in a combat zone lol. I know you thrive in a GI Joe situation, but I really hope there's no reason for you to have to pull secret squirrel stuff. Sorry. I'm just a wife who actually cares about you and wants you, not your SGLI, to return home. Crazy, huh?

So here it is. We start out on a new adventure together...but physically apart. I know there will be good days, bad days, days I hate that you are in the Army, and days that I actually laugh because I can do ALL the things that got on your nerves and don't have to worry about it :)

You are my husband. I love you. I love us and the life we have made together. So, I stand back and faithfully start a new countdown. A better countdown. The one that brings you home back to us. I love you more than words can say and miss you more than the tears on my pillow can express.

Stay safe, my love.