I didn't ask for a psychotic break for Christmas...

...but that just may be what I get. Holy hell. I'm stressed to the max, can't turn my own head off, and sleep only comes when induced by medicine (which of course, calls for at least 8 - I get about 4). Mom says I need to take advantage of this break from school and rest. The past few months haven't been the best in the world, medically speaking, and I was so hellbent on not letting it get me down then, it's like I am trying to make up for about 3-4 months of time that I should have been letting my body fight, then heal. I don't nap, I crash. And while I adore the sound on the monitor in the mornings, I would really love one day to sleep (medically induced or not) until I wake up. But I'm sure every parent of a young child has that same dream.

Jaxon's dad is back in the picture - for the moment at least. Who know's if I would have heard anything out of him, had I not contacted him first. That's the only way I ever hear from him. I was filled full of "promises" again and refuse to hold my breath at this point. Actions are the only acceptable form of behavior now. You don't bail on a kid. Period. You don't go for months without contact. I don't care what you are going through, how life is kicking you around, or all the other excuses I got. I don't care. You have a kid who calls someone else "Daddy." You have a kid that recognizes his family...but doesn't know you as part of it. How do you live with that? He says he wants to see him more. He says he wants to step up and be his dad. He says he knows what he did was wrong. I say...only time will tell. But, regardless, the mere presence of him in our life again places fear inside of me. Since he had been gone for so long, the "contact" I made was to ask if he just wanted to sign away his rights. He wasn't around anyways. He doesn't support him. What's the point, right? I'm scared of that day happening all over again. I'm scared of cops. I'm scared of arrests. I'm scared of seeing my baby cry in the middle of all of it. It was so long ago, but plays in my mind just as if it happened yesterday.

I miss Kyle. A lot. This time of year was always a fun and unexpected time of random gifts, jokes, and predictions of what the next year would bring. For him, the predictions always included a never ending supply of "hot babes" and things that make you love life. For me, it was just to always have friends like him, to have him as my friend. We never dated. We never attempted it. He just swooped in and became a big brother. Much like Adam did. I'd send packages to different places in Iraq and Afghanistan because the idiot wouldn't stay out of the desert. He loved his job. He loves being a Marine. He loved that he was carrying on a tradition long standing in his family, minus his useless parents. He wasn't one of those jerk Marines either. (No offense to all, but even you know there are some stupid ones out there.) He cared about people. He did things for people. He went out of his way to make sure his family - the one that he created - were happy and in need of nothing. It's rare to find that truly giving nature in people anymore. Not giving in a sense of buying and material things, but giving time, giving a hand, giving a shoulder. Things money can't buy. I miss my friend and I still can't believe he's gone.

All I know is that I am pulling my hair out. Not too bright considering I'm still not done thinning/shedding, but hopefully that conveys the stress factor. I need my life back on track. I need to be able to talk. I need to be able to find my words when I need help. I don't have that right now. And because of that, it seems as though everything else is crumbling. So God, if you're listening, it's me, Ali. I really need you right now...

Eating my words...

Here I am, admitting it...gulp...my parents weren't wrong after all. Growing up, I thought their only mission in life was to make my life as annoying as possible. Before I continue, most of you know my parents and know how awesome they are, so needless to say, I was not brought up in a bad home. But, at that age (meaning my entire pre-teen and teen years), slamming my door, stomping off, talking back, rolling my eyes, not cleaning my room, forgetting to say "sir" or "mam," and all of the other countless rules I broke were of no concern to me. I truly thought they just had nothing better to do than to ground me, take away my stuff, "talk" to me, and in general do things to make me want to pull my hair out. They didn't know what it was like to be my age. They couldn't relate to me. And they were crazy if I was ever going to accept the "one day you will thank me for this" mentality I was forced to live under.

I say sir, mam, please, thank you, excuse me, and bless you without a second thought. I hold doors open for people behind me. I think twice before I say something that could potentially hurt another. I say my prayers. I have discipline. I find myself saying things to a 19 month old that I remember being told at 5. I hear their words and their guidance in my head 24/7. I've had many "oh my goodness, I'm my mom" moments and am definitely my father's daughter. Now, there are just some things that no amount of rearing or discipline can fix and in my case that is procrastination and road rage. Sorry, parental units, I just think I'm a lost cause in that department. But, I just want you to know that what you said has stuck with me. Granted, it's taken nearly 30 years for me to acknowledge it, but nevertheless, I am. And I thank you SO MUCH for everything you did for me, to me, and with me.

Blending families is tough. We all come from different backgrounds, upbringings, and have different styles of parenting. So without blending anything, it can be tough from the start. Things that are just unacceptable to me, I am finding that I have to take time to understand the function behind the behavior. (Yes, I realize I am talking like a SPED teacher, but that's the only way I can explain it.) I had stability. I had consistency. I had a stern hand and strict directions. All of those things I want to continue with my son. Knowing what I went through and how I felt when I was younger, I know that he will "hate" me one day and think I am "ruining his life" by making him live by my rules, but one day, just like I have, he will see that everything a parent does...well, everything a parent should do...is for the betterment of their child. To provide them with the manners, tools, and foundation they will need to succeed later.

Now, I'm in no way saying that I haven't screwed up, made some WRONG decisions, or otherwise acted like a complete jackass at times, but looking back, had I listened to my parents...well, you know where that sentence is headed. Neither one of them would ever say "I told you so" to me because there is no merit in that. There is no satisfaction in that. Unless you got something positive out of another's misfortune, "I told you so" holds no bearing. I learned that to get respect, you must give it AND earn it. I learned that if you break trust, you must put in the work to rebuild it. I learned to be honest. I learned to accept defeat gracefully. I learned to be a humble winner. I learned that my parents weren't the bad guys. They were the ones who were always on my side and continue to be to this day.

As I grow older, and especially as I raise Jaxon, I see more and more how much I appreciate and value the lessons, ethics, and lifestyle my parents instilled in me. I am grateful for it. My dad once told me something his grandfather told him..."If you listened to everything I told you and learned from my mistakes, you'd be the smartest, wealthiest person alive. But, you're not going to, so go on an make your mistakes." Mistakes are how we learn. Mistakes open our eyes. And if we are smart enough, mistakes put us back on the right path.

So, this one's for you Mom and Dad, yall did a pretty good job. Sorry for being such a brat for the past...oh, I don't know...29 years :o)

Words for Wednesday

So...

School is ALMOST over for me...Jamie...and Eden. Lol. Everybody's in school! I went all crazy redhead this past weekend trying to get one class wrapped up and have my last final tonight. Jamie has a few more things to get in then he's done too. Statistics = gross. I'd be banging my head into a wall if I had to take that class. Some of the stuff he's had to do...I don't know if I could get through that class. I worked the system to NOT take classes like that during my undergrad. He's the analytical numbers and computers whiz. I'm the one that writes the papers.

The ceremony is in 5 weeks! It's so bizarre to be planning a wedding...when you are already married...but I'm so glad that we will have family and friends there to share in it with us. My girls are throwing me a party this weekend and I can't wait to see them. I'm blissfully happy here and making new friends, getting involved in a lot of things, and Augusta has become home, but I do wish I could box them all up and move them here with me :) I'm very blessed to have the friendships I do.

The hubs and I are going to the Gator Bowl! I love football. Absolutely LOVE it. This will be my first Michigan game and I have allowed myself to split my support since U of M isn't an SEC team. While my Dawgs completely disappointed me this season, I'm still a Georgia Girl. He just got back from the OSU/Michigan game, but the poor man looked like he was the only one in blue there lol. This time we will be surrounded by his fellow Wolverines and I'm looking forward to see if any of them talk funny like he does. I crack on him all the time. He does it back. Fairness, right?

Jax is growing like a weed. Talking all the time - still mostly incoherent, but we understand it - and seems to have turned into a little kid overnight. Where did my baby go?! Everything went great at his 18 month check up...except the shots, those are never fun, and they did labs as well. Hated that!! Thank God Jamie was there. I was doing everything not to bust out in tears while he held him down. I can't say enough to express how amazing those two are together. I know I've written it before, but Jamie doesn't have to be everything he is to Jax, but he does and he is. It melts my heart every time I see them together.

Eden is busting at the seams for Christmas to get here. She's mailed out wish lists and wrote her letter to Santa. The girl is going to rack up, that's for sure given that she will have like 3 Christmases. (I may have just made up another word because that one doesn't look right??) This year has obviously been an adjustment for her, but she is a strong little girl and has a heart of gold. I love our girl talks and how great she is with Jax. Sometimes she stresses and worries about so much more than she should. I wish I could take all that away from her so she could just be a kid. I love her as if she were my own and it kills me to see her when she's hurting.

Guess I should get to studying for my LAST final of the semester. Math. Yay. Wish me luck!

It's a little sappy in here...

The fam and I went out to find THE Christmas tree and, as of right now, we found her and she's been living outside because she's huge!! Lol! I'm so glad it's finally the weekend because we can bring her in and start decorating! I think I will name her Treena. Get it? Tree-Na? Yeah, I'm that loopy these days. School wise, I have SO MUCH to finish and submit before tomorrow at noon and one final left next week. Then Christmas break, wahooo!!! Last night we had the Battalion Christmas party and Fort Gordon had their Christmas festival as well. I didn't get to see much of the festival, but it looks like they had a lot going on. Our Christmas party went really well and Jaxon found yet another girlfriend. That boy is gonna kill me, lol! After he maxed out on sugar, he went red baby and Jamie left with the kids. I just started working with the FRG and am really excited about it. I think it's important to support the ones you love and he's been beyond supportive of me - so it works :)

Can you believe it's December already?! Where has this year gone?! To think of where I was this time last year, to the place I am in right now...never would have imagined. Ever. I love my life.

Got a pretty jam packed day today, so not too much time to post much more right now. As always, pics on FB of the rest of the tree outing. Happy Friday, peoples!!!!