Looking back...

It's been a few days (understatement) since my last post. I've been living under a mountain of school work and practicum projects and can finally see the finish line. Could it be possible? Could I finally be days away from finishing my degree? The road that I have traveled to get to this point has been anything but smooth. I've become a running joke in my family...sometimes I laugh, sometimes it hurts...because I've been in school since I was 5. I took breaks, a semester here and there, and had to deal with a melting pot of issues. Issues. That's a polite way to put it.

I graduated from North Georgia in December of 2005. The very next month, I started on a path that would change my world forever. The next four years would include lies, abuse, cancer, death, failures, empty promises, and the creation of the greatest miracle I've ever known. It's funny how you can trick yourself into thinking everything is fine and shielding yourself from serious problems. Who wants to admit they really got off track? When you look at all the changes and effort that comes with correcting things, the task can seem daunting to say the least.

I gave excuses, kept people in the dark, lied about what was really going on, and put on my happy face - even though I knew those closest to me could see the truth in my eyes. My eyes always give it away. I wanted things to be okay. I didn't want to admit that everyone else was right and I had been wrong...so wrong...for all those years.

Cancer. I don't like thinking about what it was like going through that alone. I was too proud to reach out to others because if I did, they would tell me once again that I was in the wrong place. I had made a mistake. I was with someone who was causing a different kind of cancer. One that eats away all the positive and good things in your life. 

But, May 9, 2009 brought a gift that was so much more than I could have ever prayed for. A gift of strength, a backbone, confidence. A gift wrapped in a ten pound package with the sweetest face on Earth. Jaxon. My saving grace. I guess God knew that I was too stubborn and scared to do it on my own, so he sent a few extra reinforcements when he blessed me with that little angel.

September 2009. The moment that ended it all and started everything else. That was when I found out just how much rage, protective instinct, and power comes with being a "Mama Bear" to a cub in danger. That's when I knew it would never be just about protecting myself or closing my eyes to the fear. That's when the "maybe things will change" switched to "I'm not taking the risk ever again." That's when the line was drawn. And I have never looked back.

Present day. It's hard remembering the girl I used to be. I see her in pictures and read her stories in old journals and blogs, but she is nothing like who I am today. I guess that's a good thing. If you quit growing, changing, learning...then what are you really doing? Nothing. As horrible as some of those times were, I wouldn't change a thing. Such a cliche. It brought me to where I am now. It brought Jax and I to Jamie. It brought me to my family. My beautiful and loving little family. It brought me to the realization of my goals in school, hopes for love, and to a place filled with so much wonder.

It's easy to say that I wish I'd never met someone or wish I could go back and do things differently, but what about the ripple effect? Had any one of those moments, however minute, had played out differently, would I be here? Would I be with the man that filled every missing piece in my heart? Would Jaxon have the most amazing father possible? Would I have run away from it all? Would I have stayed? I can gladly say that those are questions that don't need answers. I regret nothing. I am not proud of some of the decisions I made, but all of those decisions contributed to the life I lead today and I am thankful for each of them.

My heart is happy. I am seeing my goals come to fruition. I am strong. I love whole-heartedly and know I am loved in return. What could be better?