Long, Lost Blog

The lack of posts is a direct reflection of how insanely busy my life has been the last few months. The last post - a flashback to the WORST night of my life - seems like it was so long ago. Most know that I accepted a SPED teaching job with Barrow County and that Jax and I are staying with Mom and Dad while Jamie is overseas. In regards to other areas of our life, here ya go:

- Jax had his tonsils removed. Poor guy had the windpipe of a coffee stir stick. Well, the recovery and pain that came afterwards were horrible for him. Talk about feeling useless. The medicine he had to take (liquid Lortab) gave him nightmares that even I couldn't imagine. He's doing much better now and will be all ready to go back to school after my Fall Break.

- I've been going 90 to nothing at school. Averaging about 12-13 hours a day...I still feel like I am not ready for the first day of school. I put everything I have into my job and my kids. I work with Pre-K through 2nd grade kiddos and they each have their own special way of melting my heart. I LOVE the people I work with and really feel blessed to share my kids with them. Our days are stressful, busy, and most likely causing ulcers and/or emotional breakdowns, but I have yet to wake up and not want to go to work and see my kids. While I wish I could put Jax in my pocket and take him with me, I know I am doing what I am meant to do.

- I am still waiting on a "Countdown to His Return" date, but no such luck yet. Troops are being involuntarily extended all over the place and knowing our luck, he will most likely be one of them. He has a lot of options up in the air, so I have clue what 2013 will bring for the Bennett Bunch, I just want to be wherever he is...or at least in within driving distance or a flight that's not $2K. We have made it past the half-way point if his year is really only a year. But, like I said, that remains to be seen. Such is life in...and married to...the Army. I just miss my husband. A lot.

- A seester with a fetus. Ash finally looks preggers and little Dylan is in the home stretch. He will be here before Christmas!! Ashley, of course, thinks she can use her "I have control over every aspect of my life" to will him to come by a certain time. I'm looking forward to seeing a tiny human boss her around lol.

There has been a lot more that Little Bear and I have gone through since our last post, but I have to get back to work - I may be on Fall Break, but that work seemed to jump in my car on the last day. Sneaky junk.

Worst Day Ever

As many of you know, yesterday brought to life one of the worst nightmares for a parent: kid gets into prescription bottles. I naively always believed that child-proof meant exactly that...child-proof. I don't leave my medicine laying out all over the floor, I don't leave it in Jaxon's room. I am responsible with it...or so I thought. I will continue to blame myself for yesterday for a very long time. To know that the only reason your child is being buckled onto a stretcher and put in an ambulance is because YOU made a mistake.

Jax and I were all set to go to Louisiana for my grandmother's wedding when some scheduling conflicts arose. My bag was still packed (meds inside) at my closet. I had planned on unpacking everything and putting everything away in the morning, but passed out with Jax while watching Cars in his room. After waking up some time around 10, I rolled into my bed and went to sleep. At 5, Jax wakes me up with "Mommy, I spilled my Skittles!" I looked behind him and noticed some things had been pulled out of my bag and that his light was on, so I got up and followed him. What I saw on his floor made my heart stop panic rush in: skittles, tic tacs, and pills. All mixed together. Some in a pill bottle. Some in the desk chair. Some under his bed. I asked if he took any, he said no. But how could I be sure? There were sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, and pain pills all on his floor. Was I really supposed to take a 3 year old's word for it? I pounded on my dad's door and called 911.

The paramedics got there within two minutes and were great with Jaxon. After we got to Gwinnett Medical, they called Poison Control and given the meds that were in his room, even if he had ingested them, the only thing they told the docs to do was a 6 hour observation. His stomach was not pumped, no blood work, no tests. Just sit and wait.

After the waiting time was over, we were released. I still didn't feel comfortable. Still scared. Still worried. Got home and he passed out for another 4 hours. Woke up acting drunk. Fear rushed over me all over again. He couldn't stand on his own, walking was out of the question, his eyes would roll around, and his speech was slurred. He was breathing fine and his heart rate was normal. I was told that those are the big two to watch over...the rest was just his little body getting through the sedative effects of the pills.

It's now the morning after and I am relieved to see him back to the mess-making, constant talking, little boy he is. I am completely ashamed and guilty over what happened. I know I did nothing intentionally, but those bottles had my name on them. I am his mother. I am supposed to protect him. I am not supposed to set the stage for pain, fear, or worse. The main reason I am making this as public as I am (here and on Facebook) is to hopefully convey to other parents of small children that "child-proof" doesn't mean shit and don't let your children see where you keep your medicine. They are smart little things and remember everything. They are so curious and inquisitive and innocent.

I had a horribly scary day yesterday. I hope that because of this, someone reads this and prevents it from happening in their home. Most of you may even reply "Well, that would never happen in my house because I'm not that dumb as a parent." I didn't think I was either.

My Korean Chronicles

How can you sum up a trip like mine in a single post? Well, I’m not really sure but I’m quite certain it will be random and full of useless information that may bore you or be the length of a post causing feelings of anger simply because it seems to never end. I will try to find a happy medium, but I can’t promise that. My Korean adventure was special because it gave me 6 amazing weeks with the love of my life. Six weeks that I didn’t expect. Six weeks that made my heart not hurt so much. Ok, so the pain is already setting back in and I still haven’t touched down in Detroit, but I didn’t expect anything different. As I start this post, I am currently over the Pacific, creeping up to the West Coast. The amount that I get typed now depends on just how long my little battery life can make it. I left Korea before 6 p.m. The sky was pitch black in no time after take-off. I pass out like a log (thank you Captain Morgan) and wake up to blinding light sneaking through the crack in my window screen. This whole time thing is so weird. Technically speaking, I am traveling back in time right now. Eff you, Marty McFly. Okay, so I can thank Captain Morgan for that statement too but whatever.

Tired of reading yet? No, you say? Well, sitting down sweet peeps, you are about the dive into the randomness of Ali’s Korean Chronicles. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll always wonder if you can get the time back you wasted reading this post. Nope. So, quit bitching.

I am SHHHH-ELLLL-TERED like a mother fluffer. The culture shock literally shocked me every day. It hurt sometimes, others were the good kind of pain. My thoughts and impressions of South Korea:

It stinks. They have an open sewage system which means at any given moment you can be walking along, enjoying your day, and get a big waft of shit smell right smack in the face. Ick. I did a lot of mouth breathing to try to block the smell.

SO MANY PEOPLE. I never saw a single neighborhood. Neighborhood to me is a development of homes with yards, mailboxes, driveways, etc. Nope, their neighborhoods consist of a cluster of roughly 8-10 HIGH rise apartment buildings. By high rise, I mean some of these suckers have like 50 floors. There are so many of these apartment complexes.

American stereotype: Asians can’t drive. Reality: They drive exactly like they do in the native country. Holy shit balls. Red lights are merely suggestions. They use their horns. A lot. No need to look before you merge, just go. And go fast. Watch out for Bongo trucks and idiots on scooters. I spent more time in the car going “Oh!” “Agh!” and “Shit!”

Are those really kids walking around the city by themselves? Like elementary schools kids jumping on a transit bus and riding the train? Yes, yes they were. South Korea simply does not have a huge crime problem. Get this: people actually DON’T want to go to jail there so they don’t commit crimes! Wow! I really think more damage and crimes are committed by US soldiers stationed there then natives.

They LOVE them some coffee and pastries. And by love, I mean have cafes, stores, and bakeries roughly every 10-20 yards. Coffee there tastes different than coffee at home. But, lucky me, the Commissary always stocks the good stuff that I brewed in the apartment. My favorite sweet treats were cinnamon rolls and things chocolate cookies that came in adorable pink boxes. Oh I wish I could order those online lol. Do we have Korean markets in Georgia? I would think we would. I just need those cookies. Anyone remember Elkins from back in the day? Yeah, tastes just like that. Yummm.

To keep on the subject of food. Big shocker…there wasn’t much I liked. Mostly because I am not an adventurous eater and won’t try anything (much to the hubs dismay). My favorite non-commissary or PX purchased food was anything with tempura in front of it. It is a fancy style of frying anything lol. Chicken, pork, shrimp. Whatever! I had a really cool omelet (which I’m not fond of in the first place) that was filled with rice. It came with a tempura pork cutlet…and this was what I got at a WATER PARK! On a glass plate with real silverware. Blew me away but definitely proved the point that they are serious about conservation and recycling. Jamie had to coach me though, “Just think of it as fried rice, except the egg is on the outside! Good point. It worked. I ate it. My mother would LOVE to visit. She would appreciate the food. Sushi, soups, hibachi buffets, nasty teas, weird things wrapped in noodles. Let’s just say I cried when I saw McDonald’s lol.

Juicy girls and ‘Villes. These two words are probably the cause of most problems for soldiers stationed in Korea. Each post has a Ville just outside the gates. These little gems thrive on soldiers and their money. You won’t find strip clubs there…just a lot of hookers. Juicy girls (not hard to spot AT ALL) wear outfits that I’m certain could be make from 3-4 shoelaces and are always friendly and ready to snatch a soldier. All I can say is that I hope the Army makes those guys have STD tests about once a month. Ick. The Villes are packed with clubs and DEEE-RUNK soldiers.

The above leads to my next observation. We’ve all heard “Korea stories” and what happens there. Drinking happens there. A lot of it. Guys get a little too loaded and break curfew. BIG no-no. Everyone wants to drink – it’s what the Army does – so then you have all the yahoo underage idiots get in trouble for that. Cause for a majority of Article 15’s: underage drinking and breaking curfew. You do not want to do either, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be caught roaming around drunk in town after 1 a.m. Well, they couldn’t do anything to me, I’m not a soldier. But, Jamie was responsible for me and I would never do anything to make him look bad.

***Battery dying. More to come during my layover in Detroit. SOOOO wish I had time to see my other Mama and angry (sweet) German father-in-law. Just passed over Seattle. Four hours left on this leg. Be back then.***

**Got about 45 minutes to spare in Detroit. This post may take me a couple days to finish lol**

Sitting in this airport just reminded me of another point of interest. Wi-fi. We have it in various places. Some people pay for their own mobile hot spot. If you can’t catch a network, well then that’s when you rack up those beautiful data charges. Not in Korea. Holy cow the technology is amazing and slightly interesting. Amazing because everywhere has internet. Everywhere. Subways, sidewalks, every restaurant and store you go into. Seriously. Everywhere. What makes it better are the phones people walk around with. Some have your standard iPhone or Droid looking thing, but most of the younger crowd walk around with what I can only relate to using your iPAD as a phone. Yes, iPad. Kindle. Tablet. As a phone. They jazz them up with teddy bear or bunny rabbit cases with big ears. I tried to get Jamie to get one. He wouldn’t.

Shopping. What in theeeeeeeeeeeeeee hell do South Koreans do in order to shop so much?! And I don’t mean shopping at Wal-Mart or Target. We are talking Gucci, Prada, Louis, High end EVERYTHING. And most of the shoppers are ROK soldiers! Seriously, uniforms everywhere…just shopping and drinking coffee lol.

Signal Ball. Loved it! Felt so fancy and the hubs didn’t look too shabby either. It was nice to share that “first” together. He took me to get my hair done (which I’m sure pleased my mother a great deal since I couldn’t end up with a big knotted ball on my head) and made me feel like a princess.        

Friends. I made some new ones! Calm down, I get a little excited too. It was really cool and nothing felt forced. Of course I have my military friends/spouses at home that I adore and wouldn’t trade for anything, but after my first “Army Wife” encounter when I first met Jamie…let’s just say it’s a shocker I associate with anyone at all. But, my stateside girls proved to me that not all are lying psychos and these crazy ass soldiers that I met in Korea just make my heart happy. I did learn a lot. Just trying to figure out how to create my own personal style of going ethnic on someone while wearing my pearls :)

And yeah, I'm tapping out. More to come later. Almost to Atlanta!!

Culture.Shock.

Still reeling from some gnarly jet lag, I figured I would take the chance to start my own little Korean Adventure blog like the hubs did. This one will be short because the bed is calling my name. It's almost 2 a.m. in the States and afternoon here. So a quick run down on my semi-conscious observations thus far:

The plane ride wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - actually, the one from Atlanta to Detroit sucked more.

Going through customs and immigration was interesting.

Looking around and not understand a SINGLE THING is quite scary.

Seoul has entirely too many people.

If you think Americans are on their cell phones too much, come here. It's crazy.

I better have buns of STEEL by the time I leave because these hills are no joke.

I now know the physical pain that comes from the emotional pains of being away from your child.

I'm definitely not at Gordon anymore. This place probably looks like it did when my Grandaddy was in this country.

I was sure my heart was going to blow through my chest when I saw Jamie waiting for me at the airport.

Time to nap. I'm tired. 

Looking back...

It's been a few days (understatement) since my last post. I've been living under a mountain of school work and practicum projects and can finally see the finish line. Could it be possible? Could I finally be days away from finishing my degree? The road that I have traveled to get to this point has been anything but smooth. I've become a running joke in my family...sometimes I laugh, sometimes it hurts...because I've been in school since I was 5. I took breaks, a semester here and there, and had to deal with a melting pot of issues. Issues. That's a polite way to put it.

I graduated from North Georgia in December of 2005. The very next month, I started on a path that would change my world forever. The next four years would include lies, abuse, cancer, death, failures, empty promises, and the creation of the greatest miracle I've ever known. It's funny how you can trick yourself into thinking everything is fine and shielding yourself from serious problems. Who wants to admit they really got off track? When you look at all the changes and effort that comes with correcting things, the task can seem daunting to say the least.

I gave excuses, kept people in the dark, lied about what was really going on, and put on my happy face - even though I knew those closest to me could see the truth in my eyes. My eyes always give it away. I wanted things to be okay. I didn't want to admit that everyone else was right and I had been wrong...so wrong...for all those years.

Cancer. I don't like thinking about what it was like going through that alone. I was too proud to reach out to others because if I did, they would tell me once again that I was in the wrong place. I had made a mistake. I was with someone who was causing a different kind of cancer. One that eats away all the positive and good things in your life. 

But, May 9, 2009 brought a gift that was so much more than I could have ever prayed for. A gift of strength, a backbone, confidence. A gift wrapped in a ten pound package with the sweetest face on Earth. Jaxon. My saving grace. I guess God knew that I was too stubborn and scared to do it on my own, so he sent a few extra reinforcements when he blessed me with that little angel.

September 2009. The moment that ended it all and started everything else. That was when I found out just how much rage, protective instinct, and power comes with being a "Mama Bear" to a cub in danger. That's when I knew it would never be just about protecting myself or closing my eyes to the fear. That's when the "maybe things will change" switched to "I'm not taking the risk ever again." That's when the line was drawn. And I have never looked back.

Present day. It's hard remembering the girl I used to be. I see her in pictures and read her stories in old journals and blogs, but she is nothing like who I am today. I guess that's a good thing. If you quit growing, changing, learning...then what are you really doing? Nothing. As horrible as some of those times were, I wouldn't change a thing. Such a cliche. It brought me to where I am now. It brought Jax and I to Jamie. It brought me to my family. My beautiful and loving little family. It brought me to the realization of my goals in school, hopes for love, and to a place filled with so much wonder.

It's easy to say that I wish I'd never met someone or wish I could go back and do things differently, but what about the ripple effect? Had any one of those moments, however minute, had played out differently, would I be here? Would I be with the man that filled every missing piece in my heart? Would Jaxon have the most amazing father possible? Would I have run away from it all? Would I have stayed? I can gladly say that those are questions that don't need answers. I regret nothing. I am not proud of some of the decisions I made, but all of those decisions contributed to the life I lead today and I am thankful for each of them.

My heart is happy. I am seeing my goals come to fruition. I am strong. I love whole-heartedly and know I am loved in return. What could be better?

Finally on the descent...

The load is lifting. I'm finally in the home stretch. Just one more month and I will be done. Done with practicum, done with classes, and getting ready to get this piece of paper I have been chasing for entirely too long. What comes afterward, I have no idea lol. Spend A LOT of time just playing with Jax and enjoying this stage in his life, that's for certain. Can not believe our little guy is going to be 3!! He's quite excited about it. Try telling him your birthday comes first (as in the case with Jamie), and he will quickly correct you and say that his is next. Cute actually.

I have fallen in love with my babies at school and will miss them terribly. They are adorable and are always so sweet. The Monday after Jamie left, I came back to a desk full of cards they had made for me. Hugs every morning. Great big smiles all day long. Reminds my why I never had a choice in my calling. My heart plays amidst the young. Watching kids learn and figure things out and turn into little people is fascinating and teaches me so much. What's so bizarre is that it feels like I was in their shoes just a moment ago. I can remember my teachers, my friends, how I felt moving schools, meeting new people, trying so hard. Weird being on the other side. Makes me miss my time at Simonton too.

My first wave of shipments finally made it to Korea. Jamie kept complaining of his bed and mattress and burlap-style sheets. What kind of wife would I be if I wasn't concerned with my hub's comfort and finding a way to fix a bad situation?! Poor guy had one cup, one bowl, and was making spaghetti out of one electric skillet. I sent sheets, a comforter, mattress topper, plates, bowls, glasses, utensils, pots, pans, random kitchen stuff, towels, and other junk. Made me feel good. Made me feel any better when I got home to his "Good Morning" call and saw him smile and look so rested because he had a comfy night's sleep.

Lil Man is at the grandparents' this weekend so this Mama is heading to bed way early and not setting an alarm. Richmond County is having their job fair tomorrow, so hopefully - fingers crossed - there won't be a huge "Nevermind, we don't have any jobs afterall" sign posted in front of the school. Education system is really in a bind and it's actually pretty sad when you think about it. I, for one, always saw teaching as a recession-proof career. I mean who, in their right mind, would cut funding and jobs for teaching the children in this country. Well...apparently this country does. Just keep swimming, right?? No other choice.

Hope everyone had a great week and has an even better weekend. It's almost Spring Break!!!

Nighty-night :)

It's No Secret...

I'm sure there are people that read this or see my FB page and have to chew back a little vomit when I go on and on about how much I adore my husband. I used to do it when I would hear about other people too. It's okay. But, if you love someone, are lucky enough to be sharing your life with them, why not shout it from the rooftops? Why not caste away all insecurity about what someone else thinks and be thankful for the few true blessings we really obtain in our life time? I'm not ashamed to say that I love him. I'm not sorry that I broadcast it. I'm simply a very lucky girl who has been through some trying times - caused by both internal and external catalysts - and came out the other side. Humbled. Grateful. Happy.

Is my life perfect? HEEELLLL NO. Do I embrace the imperfections and see them as blocks in which to build? Absolutely. My past is no secret. Many who do not know me well believe that I hide many things. Much the opposite actually. I'm probably TOO public with my life. Putting raw feelings on the internet. I guess it's a little cathartic mixed with a splash of voyeurism. Now, I'm not stupid. I have no intentions of posting my address, my social security number, or set up a web cam in my house to capture every move I make, but these posts are memory mile markers for me. New aged diary.

I can look back on two moments in my life as being absolutely definitive: hearing Jaxon's heartbeat and looking at Jamie for the first time. Both were moments that washed away every minute and trivial piece of junk clouding my head. That teeny heartbeat...so strong and fast...grew into black and white images on a screen that turned into a person. A person that I brought into this world. Was the stage upon which he made his entrance perfect? No. Did I want it to be? Yes. I can say, without a doubt, that I tried everything I could...overlooked everything I could...forgot everything I could...so that I could hold onto something, anything, to give him stability. Ironically, the stability, and safety, we both needed when his little fingers holding mine gave me the strength to let go. To start again. Finding those eyes. Jamie's eyes. The second moment that changed my world forever. The moment that not only swept me into a world of an unconditional love I've never known outside of my family, but also carried my little boy so carefully and protectively with it. The way in which those two moments have intertwined themselves makes me absolutely certain that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, with who I'm supposed to be with, and doing what I am supposed to be doing.

If you found that kind of certainty, wouldn't you be proud of it? I am.