Deja Vu

Liar. Bulimic. Bad mother. Ugly. Too skinny. You want me to be your puppet. Play your games. Fall into your web. And silly me, can't forget, trust anyone who is also friends with you. Why are you so concerned with me? What have I ever done to you? What makes you feel better about yourself by attacking me?

Think you will uncover some hidden skeletons? Since you BARELY know me, let me be the first to tell that I am pretty open about the happenings in my life. Want to know something about me...ask me. Have something to say to me...tell me. In all of your "facts" that you have on me, let me correct just a few...

-I'm bulimic. Sorry, honey. I'm totally terrified of throwing up. In case you missed that day of nursing school, bulimics purge. That means vomit in case you don't understand. You would have done better calling me an anorexic if you're going to give me an eating disorder. And both are VERY serious diseases that shouldn't be thrown around so carelessly. Many people suffer...and die...from them. Hope you don't help treat any.

- I'm a bad mom. You REALLY don't want me to elaborate on just how little foundation you have to stand on in this regard. I left everything behind for my son and his well-being and safety...but TOOK MY SON WITH ME. My dreams for my child include him finding satisfaction, contentment, and happiness in the REAL gifts in life. And FYI...they typically don't come with a price tag. You may buy affection and expect others to buy yours but I simply don't operate under the same belief.

- Liar. First of all, I can say with absolute certainty that everything out of my mouth to you has been the God's honest truth. Can't say the same for you towards me. Again, if you knew anything about me, you would know that I suck at lying. I'm not as well versed and skilled as you are in creating alternate realities. It's easier for me to tell the truth - even if it's an ugly one. I'd rather tell...and receive...a hard to swallow truth than a sugar coated lie. But, that's just me.

- Ugly. Too skinny. I'm not even going to justify this with a response. I've gone through hell and back and had I known you thought this about me - and for the reasons that you do - I would have gladly sent you all the clumps of hair that fell out of my head for months. I would have kept you updated on how hard it was to finish one simple meal. I would have let you hold my hand as I cried when I looked in the mirror because all I saw was an ugly, skinny, sick girl looking back. Thanks for your concern. I'm doing much better and getting stronger everyday.

I don't appreciate being the topic of other people's discussions. Especially when it's vicious gossip and lies. While it should flatter me, I'm not that girl. I don't enjoy hurting others. I don't enjoy talking behind people's backs. I actually feel bad after I say something nasty about you when I'm venting to a friend. Why should I when it's sport to you?! Do you really want to know what I do and say about you?? I pray for you. I ask God to comfort you. I ask Him to help you to not hurt others. I pray for your safety because it means a lot to someone who means the world to me. That's what I do.

I've been here before. I've gone through this before. Not because I caused anything, just simply the target of misplaced aggression. Do you know what I learned from that? I learned that it does no good to fight back. I learned that it gives me no satisfaction to hurt others. Honestly, sometimes I wish it did. You want me to stroke your ego? Sometimes, I do wish I could be more like you. Then maybe the games and words and horrible things you and "our" friends do wouldn't hurt so badly.

So, go ahead and label me. Say I'm ugly. Say anything. Your labels do not define me and I have nothing to prove to you. The only thing I will say is to be careful. You may not want to open Pandora's Box. I've heard it can be a bitch to close when you have that many secrets locked inside.

Vent over...