Do You Even Care?

Do you know that YOUR son was very sick this week? Do you know that YOUR son has to watch Cars 2 roughly 4 times a day? Do you know that he doesn't like shrimp? Do you know that he loves piggyback rides? Do you know that he doesn't even know who you are? Do you even care?

I don't write about you often because I try to leave memories of you in the past...where they belong. However, I am aware that without you, Jax would not exist. For that, I will always be thankful for you. I have met two of my best friends...that have turned into big brothers...through you. But everything else that remains of our shattered time together - even when an attempted mask is placed to try to remember the good - the fear, the yelling, the manipulation still push through.

You make it clear that Jax is YOUR son. You do this about once or twice a year. We don't know where you are. We don't know how to get a hold of you. He calls you "him" in any pictures that I show him. I have begged and pleaded with you from the beginning to just be present in his life. I never demanded money, help, cared to know anything about your personal life, or anything else other than you being around enough for him to know who you are - but you aren't. Why? Is he not worth the effort? Is he not worth a phone call?

I know you won't see this. I know you won't call. I know you will pop in just enough to eventually confuse and hurt him. And there is nothing I can do about it. You want me to admit it? Fine. You still have power over me. That little boy is my heart and the stability of his future, his well being, his self-esteem is in your hands...idly waiting to be saved or squashed. You seem to be okay with this. I'm not. But, all I can do is wait. Let time pass. Hope and pray that you don't hurt such a beautifully perfect soul.

Since you don't know him, let me share some things: he loves cereal in the mornings with big boy milk. It makes him strong. He likes to share and ask if you are happy. He turns anything into a sword so that he can attack monsters. His heart is too big for his little body. His smile melts every bad and rainy day away. He MUST do everything on his own first before asking for "hep, peez." He loves to talk on the phone. (Something you could be taking advantage of if you ever checked on him.) He throws amazing fits. He waves and smiles at complete strangers. He flirts with teenage girls. He loves football. He wears clothes that fit kids 1-2 years older than him. He would spend an hour in the bath at night if I let him. Did you know any of this? Do you care? Do you really believe that I am robbing you of these things?

It's really hard to keep communication open when we can't find you. When I have to spend months trying to track you down. Why can't you care enough to just be around for him? If he is YOUR son, why doesn't he know you as HIS father?

So...do you? Do you care?